


Guilty or innocent, my love is infinite (I'm giving it)

by DontDrinkAndBike



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Introspection, Lexi is a great friend, Lexi-centric, Pining, Rexi endgame, Rue doesnt deserve her, Rules present, but she has her anyway, hopeful ending at least, kind of, lots of language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2020-08-10 21:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20142256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontDrinkAndBike/pseuds/DontDrinkAndBike
Summary: A mostly Lexi-centric examination of the events of Season 1.  Will include canon scenes we see in the show (but with focus on Lexi), missing scenes, and an alternate ending.  Title from All For Us... yeah, you know, THAT song.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> It's a crime that Lexi doesn't get enough screen time, and she is far better for Rue than Jules imo. This is my attempt to rectify all of that and deal with my feels in the wake of that wild wild finale.

The first time it happens, she’s a little annoyed at herself for how she behaves – but hey, to be fair, it catches her off guard.

It’s the last week of August, and because Lexi keeps forgetting to look for jobs to apply to, she’s spent the whole day the same way she’s spent basically the rest of the summer that came before it – with her nose buried in a book, so she can lose herself in another world and not have to dwell too much on her own. 

Cassie’s at McKay’s when the doorbell rings and their mom is dozing on the armchair across from the couch Lexi’s curled up on, so naturally, Lexi’s the one who has to answer the door. With a sigh and a quick resentful glance at her mom’s three-quarters empty wine glass, she sticks her bookmark in, shuts her book, and gets up from the couch.

The door opens with a squeak to reveal the last person she expected to see.

Rue, Rue fucking Bennett, her Childhood Best Friend™, is standing on her front porch for the first time since the end of school. She’s got on that signature maroon hoodie of hers over a green tye-dye alien t-shirt with her usual sweatpants and converse. She’s shifting a little awkwardly side-to-side on her feet with her hands clasped in front of her. 

Lexi wishes she could hate the way that even now, after so long and everything that’s happened (and _not_ happened) in between, her stomach still flips when she sees her oldest friend. A small spark of hope ignites in her chest. 

“Rue?” Lexi asks. 

(Just to be sure, of course. Definitely not because her brain has slightly short-circuited at the situation she’s found herself in.) 

“Uhh… hey,” says Rue, an uncomfortable and obviously forced smile flashing briefly across her face. 

Something seems off with her. Or… something seems normal. It’s subtle, because Rue’s had a ton of (read: too much) experience hiding it, but Lexi has known her long enough to be able to tell. Her words are the tiniest bit slurred, her eyes are slightly unfocused, and Lexi thinks, _Oh, no._

She’s high as a kite. Back from rehab for barely days, and high as a fucking kite. 

The spark of hope is abruptly crushed. Lexi’s heart, which had perked up initially, immediately starts to sink again. She does her best to keep her voice level when she replies. “Hey. Um… how are you?”

(She’s only half-certain she succeeds.)

“I’m good,” Rue assures her quickly, and they both ignore how hollow it rings. “Listen, I, uh… I need to ask a favor.”

The sinking feeling magnifies. Lexi knows that not only will it be something she won’t like, she knows she won’t be able to say no. She never has.

Not to Rue.

She swallows her sigh and asks apprehensively, “What is it?”

“…You’re not gonna like it.”

Rue leans down and whispers in Lexi’s ear.

And, yep. There it is. By this point, Lexi can practically feel her heart in her socks.

She raises her head to look Rue in the eyes. “Are you serious?” she asks, trying to keep the hopelessness from her tone off of her face.

(This time she knows she fails.)

Rue just gives her a pleading look. In that moment, Lexi’s hit with the knowledge that she wouldn’t be here asking if this wasn’t a big deal, which is kind of a blessing and a curse. She’s honestly not sure what’s worse – that Rue is at her house, asking her to pee in a bottle so she can beat a drug test, or the fact that if she didn’t need Lexi to pee in a bottle to beat a drug test, she wouldn’t be at her house at all. She’s also not quite sure what it says about her that she’s just glad she gets to see and talk to Rue again in person, even if it means… having to deal with this, all the bullshit that constantly accompanies her.

What she does know is that there’s logically no way in hell she should agree to this, but she’s always been helpless against that face.

_Damn you, Bennett._

She wordlessly turns and heads up the stairs. As she goes, she hears Rue offer a feeble, even moderately guilty, “Thank you.”

When Lexi gets to the upstairs bathroom and shuts the door, she leans back against it for an extra second and just tries to breathe. She stares blankly up at the ceiling and blinks to force back the tears. She wishes this wasn’t her life, wishes that her brain could just finally convince her heart to stop feeling the way she does about Rue when it’s so obvious the other girl will never think about her the same way. Probably doesn’t even think of Lexi as a friend, anymore.

She rubs her eyes with her hand and sniffs, shaking her head at herself. She steps over to the cabinet and roots around until she finds an empty medicine bottle – one of those ones with the droppers on the lid – and takes it to the toilet. While she’s sitting there, peeing into that stupid bottle, her traitorous mind drifts inevitably back to Rue. 

She doesn’t know if it’s a strength or a weakness that every time Lexi looks at her, all she sees are the good things, the good times. It doesn’t matter how many times she finds Rue wasted out of her mind (it’d be easier to count the occasions when she _wasn’t_ high), doesn’t matter how many times Rue snaps at her when the drugs are messing with her emotions. 

She can’t help but always think of Rue as the girl who celebrated every birthday together with her; the girl who taught her how to roller skate; the girl who cried in her arms when her dad died, and later held Lexi as she broke down when her own dad left for good; the girl who helped her get ready for the only dance she was ever asked to and even did her best to teach her how to French kiss when Lexi asked, even if she was sneaking a Xanax from her pocket every few minutes when she thought Lexi wasn’t looking (she was); the girl who so often made her feel more loved than her own family, and just as often made her feel more helpless and worthless than her family every could.

But most of all… Rue was the only one who ever _saw_ her. For that alone, she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to let go of Rue or her feelings for her, no matter how much worse her drug problem gets (and could it really get worse than a near-fatal OD?) or how distant she becomes.

On her way out of the bathroom with the full bottle, Lexi grabs a random stick of old trashy eyeliner from the back of one of their drawers. Then she sighs, steels herself, and heads back downstairs.

Apparently her mom’s woken up, because she can hear her asking Rue about rehab and just generally being her usual insensitive self. She intentionally steps a little harder on the stairs to make enough sound for them to both know she’s there. Rue looks up at her when she hears and gives Lexi a tiny smile that’s the subtlest bit less forced than usual, and damnit if it doesn’t make her stomach do another little flip.

She slips Rue the pee bottle behind her back, out of her mother’s sight, then walks around to stand in front of her. “Here’s that eyeliner you asked for,” she says loudly.

“Thanks, Lexi,” says Rue. Even though Lexi knows she really does mean it, it just… doesn’t feel the same. Still, she manages a small smile in return.

“No problem,” Lexi says. “Are you, uh, are you going to McKay’s party?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I think,” Rue says. “Are you?”

“Um, probably, yeah. I don’t know.”

“Ah… cool. I’ll, uh, see you there then I guess.”

“Yeah… see you then. Bye, Rue.”

“Later.”

Rue gives one more smile that's half a grimace, awkwardly turns and walks away from the house.

“…It was good to see you again,” Lexi murmurs under her breath as she watches Rue go. Her heart is heavy when she shuts the door behind her.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day of school.

In the end, Lexi opts out of going to McKay’s party. So what, she likes to be level-headed and she’s an introvert; sue her if parties aren’t her scene. Is it a crime that she doesn’t want to be around the masses of sweaty, horny drug-snorting and alcohol-guzzling high schoolers in this shitty town?

Well… except one.

But as badly as she wants to see Rue again now that she knows she’s out of rehab, it’s just not worth it. So instead she stays home, ignores her mom’s ribbing about how she never wants to go out “like a normal teen,” and resolves to herself to find Rue when they return to school next week and see how she’s doing then.

Of course, like most things, it turns out to be easier said than done. It’s not that Rue’s avoiding her or anything, but even at the best of times she’s never been the most… approachable person. She’d rather snort a line in the bathroom, pull the hood on her hoodie up over her head, and ignore students and teachers alike for the entirety of the school day. If some poor ignorant soul is unfortunate enough to have to interact with her, nine times out of ten they’re met with a stony silence and/or a middle finger in their face.

Today’s different, though, and not in a way Lexi could have ever predicted.

She and Cassie pull up to East Highland exactly ten minutes before the opening bell, like always. As soon as they park and then get to the covered walkways at the entrance to the school, Cassie goes to find Maddy and the other girls Lexi’s never felt completely comfortable calling anything more than “acquaintances.” Lexi is left on her own, as usual.

She’s okay with it, though. Really, she is. As depressing as it sounds, she’s used to living her life on the outside looking in, and she’s way past the point of letting it bother her. Besides, she was going to try to talk to Rue, and she’d rather do that alone anyway.

It doesn’t take her long to spot the familiar maroon hoodie and head of curly brown hair across the way, but when she does, the sight is… not what she’s expecting.

Rue is joining the crowd filtering into the school entrance side-by-side with a blonde girl Lexi’s never seen before. She’s tall, one of the few girls in the school who can actually match Rue’s height, and she’s pretty enough, if a little too flashy (pink backpack, bright green jacket, fluorescent makeup) for Lexi’s taste. But the real kicker, the thing that makes her feel like her chest has been prodded with a hot poker, is her hands. Her right hand is swinging carelessly by her side, but the other…

The other is clasped in Rue’s. Rue is _holding hands_ with New Girl, and they’re practically _skipping_ into the school building together.

And, okay, Lexi may have accepted a while ago that she probably won’t ever get to be with Rue – she didn’t even know if Rue was into girls for sure – but come on, she did _not_ sign up to have to watch her fall for someone else. And who even is the blonde chick anyway? 

But then, she supposes, that’s her life, isn’t it? Isn’t that what she does? Just watch clearly from the sidelines while everyone she knows lives out their life without her, and if they happen to run it into the ground, thanklessly help them pick up the pieces? She wonders how selfish she must be to look forward to the day Rue finally comes running to her for help.

She tries her hardest to reign in her thoughts and emotions, because, _Wow_, _not okay, Lexi_. Honestly, she berates herself, she sees Rue making friends with _one other girl_ and suddenly she’s counting down the days until they drive each other away, just in hopes that Rue will come running back to her childhood friend? _How jealous can you possibly get, Howard? Pull yourself together._

If just using drugs could keep Rue away from Lexi, what chance does she stand against an _actual person_?

After that, the rest of the first half of the day passes in a blur. It’s the first day back after summer, so of course they don’t do any actual work in any of her classes, and suddenly it’s lunchtime – where Lexi faces her second existential crisis of the day.

Normally, she would sit at the table with Cassie and her friends, but because of the stupid pep rally scheduled for _the middle of fucking lunchtime_ – honestly, whose idea was that? – Cassie and Maddy are out preparing with the rest of the cheerleading squad. Kat, for whatever reason, is at a table by herself today, looking a little glum, which just leaves… BB. And it’s not like Lexi has anything against BB, really, it’s just, she’s the one Lexi is the _least_ familiar with out of all of Cassie’s friends. And, well, to be honest, she’s not very engaging company, put it that way.

So as she goes through the lunch line, she casts her eyes around for anywhere else to sit. After a few seconds of searching, as if drawn by a magnet, they land on Rue… and her new friend, at a table by themselves, smiling at each other and laughing. Lexi looks away quickly and takes a deep, calming breath to settle herself.

BB it is, then.

She takes her loaded tray and walks steadily towards the table. BB looks up at her approach and gives her what’s probably supposed to be one of those “cool” nods of acknowledgement. Lexi nods back and flashes a small smile, just for the hell of it, and sets her tray down next to the other girl.

After a few minutes pass in silence but for their chewing, Lexi decides to breach it. “Hey, uh… do you know who that blonde girl is over there next to Rue?” she asks. “I don’t think I’ve seen her around before. Is she new?” BB’s probably more plugged in to the rumor mill than almost anyone else at the school, so Lexi figures if anyone would know, she would.

She’s not disappointed. “Oh, hey, that’s the crazy bitch that cut herself at McKay’s party,” BB says cheerfully. “Think she said her name’s Jules. She moved from the city.”

Lexi blinks, because, _Wow, unexpected_. She’d seen the bandage wrapped around the blonde’s – Jules’ – forearm, but she just figured she’d fallen off her bike and skinned it or something.

“She cut herself?” Lexi asks.

“Yeah, I think Nate came onto her in the kitchen and then she just grabbed a knife and cut herself. Got all up in his face about it, too, she was hella wack.”

“Huh,” Lexi says, because really, what else can you say to something like that?

She can’t deny she hasn’t thought of hurting herself in the past. Just to see what it felt like, if it would actually bring any relief to the feelings she keeps bottled up all the time. She didn’t really think it would, but she could never bring herself to try it either way. Even if she could have, she can’t imagine doing something so private, so perversely intimate, in such a public setting with so many eyes on her. What kind of person does that?

And, okay, living life as a chronic observer, she often catches herself judging people she doesn’t even know just based on her observations, and she knows that’s bad. It isn’t fair to Jules, because Lexi doesn’t know the first thing about her, and she knows it’s none of her business, but she can’t help but think that’s pretty much the opposite of what Rue needs in her life right now. She needs someone stable and supportive, someone who can be the steadying hand on her back when she stumbles as she tries to navigate the challenges of staying clean after rehab.

She wishes she could ignore the little voice that whispers, _What, someone like you? You’re “stable and supportive”? Is that why you’ve never done anything to help her with her addiction? Is that why you let her push you away until you aren’t even friends anymore? Yeah, right. Get over yourself._

Besides, who is she kidding… if her encounter with Rue the other day is any indication, she has no intention of getting clean. Lexi wonders if she ever will, and she wants to bang her head on the table. With enormous self-restraint, she doesn’t.

When the pep rally finally begins, it’s a nice distraction from her thoughts. She watches Cassie dance, her face lit up with a smile, and wishes she could wear a smile that big that wasn’t hollow. Against her better judgement, she finds her traitorous eyes drifting over to Rue and Jules’ table. She’s just in time to see Rue chuckle and lean over towards Jules, resting her head contentedly on the other girl’s shoulder.

Lexi closes her eyes and sighs. It’s going to be a loooooong day.

Unsurprisingly, it only gets worse from there. 

Their homeroom is meeting immediately after lunch in the auditorium today, because the normal classroom had some kind of mold problem over the summer or something that still hasn’t been dealt with, Lexi’s not sure of the details. But Mrs. Browning decides to make the most of it, announcing that she wants everyone to go one by one up onto the stage and give a short summary of their summer.

It’s almost a guarantee the moment she sees Rue try to make herself smaller that she’s going to be the one called on to go first, but her pitiful mutter of “please don’t do this to me” still tears at Lexi’s heartstrings.

Regardless, eventually Rue reluctantly stands and makes her way to the stage, pulling her hood down and shoving her hands into her hoodie pockets.

Lexi can feel the tension radiating off the other girl as she stands up there all alone, with Mrs. Browning pressuring her to come up with some kind of anecdote about her summer. She can’t imagine what must be going through Rue’s head right now. Spending the summer in rehab after a drug overdose probably didn’t leave her with a lot of great memories to reminisce on.

It certainly didn’t leave Lexi with many. She remembers the day she found out about Rue’s OD, how panicked and helpless she’d felt. She’d had to hear it from Cassie, who’d heard it from McKay, who’d heard it from his brother Roy, who’d heard it from Rue’s little sister Gia. It was already several days after the incident when Cassie told her. Lexi had stammered out something like, “Oh no, wow, that’s horrible,” then fled to the garage and biked out into the neighborhood before Cassie could see her tears. She remembers being surrounded by the open air on an unfairly beautiful June day, yet still feeling like she was suffocating.

Somewhere deep down, she’d known something like this was bound to happen sooner or later. She’d just been hoping it was much, much, much later, preferably _after_ Lexi had gotten over this stupid teenage crush of hers and moved on from Rue. But of course that didn’t happen, and instead her best friend was in a coma in the hospital _right now_. 

She’d almost biked to the hospital then and there. She’d wanted so bad to see Rue, to make sure she was okay, but she was too much of a coward. She didn’t think she could handle seeing her like that, and besides, she hadn’t felt like she’d have been welcome at the hospital (she knew the Bennetts would have been glad to see her, but with the way her relationship with Rue had deteriorated in the past few years, she just wouldn’t have felt comfortable showing up and letting herself be vulnerable in front of them. At least, that’s what she told herself, anyway.)

Instead, she went back home, put on her normal indifferent face for Cassie and her mom, and tried to pretend like she hadn’t just spent the last twenty minutes biking in circles one street over to try to dry the tears on her face.

But as bad as that day had been, and the shadow it had cast over the rest of her summer, she knew Rue had had it a thousand times worse.

It’s easy to tell, looking at her now. Despite all of Mrs. Browning’s prompting (which, come on, when is she going to realize she’s doing so much more harm than good?), Rue’s struggling to come up with anything to share. Her eyes are darting all over the place and she’s stumbling over her words, sniffing constantly to try and fight back an all-out breakdown.

Lexi knows the signs. That’s why, when the girl behind her says to her friend in a patronizing tone that she obviously thinks is supposed to be empathetic, “She’s a mess. Honestly, I bet it’s brain damage,” Lexi can’t stop herself.

“You’re being fucking rude,” she snaps at them. 

It doesn’t exactly have the desired effect. They stop talking, yeah, but they look more confused than anything, as if they couldn’t fathom why the quiet girl who never shouts at anyone would have chosen that moment to interject. She wants so badly to sneer at their ignorance, but she’s just not that kind of person.

She turns back around when she hears hurried footsteps on the stage. Rue is retreating into the shadows, pulling her hood back up and slipping out through one of the doors at the back of the stage. Lexi thinks Mrs. Browning may have finally realized the effect she’d had on Rue, because she doesn’t say a word as Rue leaves.

Lexi raises her hand.

“Yes, Lexi?” Mrs. Browning says.

“Um, I’m not feeling too great, can I go to the bathroom?” Lexi asks.

The woman gives her a look like she sees right through her, but she gives her a small smile anyway and nods her head. “Of course.”

“Thanks.”

Lexi gets up from the floor and all but sprints to the nearest girls’ bathroom. She pushes the door open and glances under the pink stall walls for a hint of converse. As the door closes rather loudly behind her, she hears a quiet curse, the wrinkling of plastic, and then a toilet flush. “Rue?” she calls tentatively.

She finally spots Rue’s shoes a few stalls ahead and carefully approaches it. The door swings open, and she’s suddenly face-to-face with a very pissed-off Rue. 

“You’re so fucking stupid, Lexi,” Rue says, like it’s the simplest thing in the world. She walks out of the stall and starts pacing.

Lexi’s heart lurches at her words. She forces herself not to react, and instead asks, “Why?” even though she’s dreading the answer.

“Because I already flushed everything down the fucking toilet!” Rue grinds out. 

“Well, sorry, I just wanted to check and make sure you were fine…” Lexi says, that sinking feeling she’s becoming all too familiar with rearing its ugly head once again.

“I don’t – I don’t want you to fucking check on me,” Rue answers, punctuating the statement with a punch to the stall door next to her. She makes an obvious effort to rein herself in. “Whether I’m fine or I’m not fine. What difference are you going to make? Are you gonna give me some life advice? You gonna fucking help me?” Her voice is dripping with sarcasm. She brushes past Lexi to wash her hands at one of the sinks.

And she knows, oh she knows, she’s just setting herself up for heartbreak, but she can’t stop the words from leaving her mouth. “I mean, you’re like, my best friend.”

“Give me a fuckin’ break!” Rue explodes, turning back around to face her, and Lexi wishes she could tear her eyes away from where they’re locked with Rue’s – wishes she could forget the utter annoyance and anger she sees there, even if (still!) a part of her knows (hopes) Rue’s just letting out her pent-up emotions from what she’d just been forced to do (and then being interrupted from being able to indulge in the relief of her drugs) and Lexi’s just the unlucky one to have gone after her in that state. “Because we went to fucking preschool together? That does not make us best fucking friends!”

And yeah, she was right about the heartbreak. It hurts. It really, _really_ hurts to hear those words leave Rue’s mouth, and for once Lexi doesn’t think about controlling her reactions, just lets out some of the resentment and bitterness she’s been trying to keep at bay for almost longer than she can remember. 

“Yeah?” she says. “And what happens in a few days when you show up at my house again to ask me to pee into a bottle for you? Are you gonna say you’ve known me since preschool and we’re best friends? Do you even listen to yourself, Rue? It’s like you have a split personality disorder!” She sniffs and turns away, heading to the door. “Sorry if I miss the old you…” she throws back sadly on her way out.

She doesn’t think Rue responds, but even if she did, Lexi wouldn’t have heard it over the ringing in her ears. She walks listlessly back towards the auditorium, but along the way, she passes an empty classroom and ducks into it.

She spends the rest of the period crying in the corner. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depending on how long this gets, I'm thinking of compiling it all to just be one big one-shot once I'm finished with it. Thoughts on that?
> 
> HMU on Reddit u/DontDrinkAndBike if you wanna talk Euphoria.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first weeks of school and the carnival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I combined episodes 3 and 4 into one chapter because individually they were both kinda short.

She wishes she could say the school year gets easier, but even kicking off with such a terrible low, it really doesn’t. On the bright side, though, Lexi can at least take some comfort in the fact that it doesn’t really get worse, either.

At first, it seems like it’s going to. She’s sitting in her English classroom on the second day of school, and less than a minute before the bell rings, Jules walks into the class. She spots Lexi, and her eyes sparkle with recognition. She smiles brightly and comes over to sit in the desk next to her.

“Hi!” she says. “You’re Lexi, right? Rue’s friend!”

Lexi’s first shameful thought is to say, “Nope,” and then proceed to ignore her for the rest of the day. It’s just, her jealousy about how quickly Jules has seemingly forged such a close relationship with Rue (especially in the fallout of her own relationship with Rue) already has her predisposed to dislike Jules, and her voice is so cheerfully light it borders on naïve, which kind of grates on Lexi.

But she looks at Jules’ face and she can see something, something a little _more_, hiding behind that exaggerated smile and the bubbly persona, and she recognizes it because it’s similar to the mask she sees when she looks in the mirror. And she knows it’s not like it’s Jules’ fault that Rue has taken to her so quickly and left Lexi in the dust, so she thinks, _Fuck it_. She can be civil and at least _try_ to be friends with Jules, right?

So she nods her head and smiles. “That’s me,” she says. “Lexi Howard.”

Jules beams back at her. “Rue’s told me a lot about you,” she says. “I’m Jules! I just moved here from the city.”

“Nice to meet you, Jules,” Lexi says, pretending this is new information and conveniently ignoring her first statement. “How, uh… how do you like it out here so far?”

Jules shrugs. “I mean, there’s not much to do, but it hasn’t been that bad so far.”

“Gotcha… cool.”

And with that, like usual, Lexi’s killed the conversation. It doesn’t matter, though, fortunately, because that’s when the bell rings and class begins.

As the days pass, she actually ends up talking to Jules more than she thought she would. They share another class or two, and they end up kind of just gravitating towards each other since neither of them have any other real friends in their classes (except Rue, who has one with Lexi and some others with Jules, but fortunately not any they all three share – Lexi’s glad she doesn’t have to try to focus in a class where she also has to watch Rue and Jules make heart eyes at each other).

And Jules is actually nice to her and, as far as Lexi can tell, a decent person. Which is disappointing and a little frustrating for Lexi, because she’s trying really, really hard to hate her. She just can’t. 

So she starts drifting through the first few days of school, maintaining an awkwardly conflicting double life. In the classes they share, when they’re basically alone together, she listens when Jules talks to her and occasionally responds in kind, and they’re friends. The rest of the time, Lexi kind of pretends Jules doesn’t exist. And whenever she sees her with Rue, she quickly slips away before either of them can catch sight of her.

She doesn’t talk to Rue. The memory of their confrontation in the bathroom on the first day is still raw and aching in her mind, and it’s just salt in the wound every time Jules refers to Lexi as “Rue’s friend.” She’s pretty sure that couldn’t be further from the truth nowadays.

There’s a part of her that’s still angry at Rue, still resentful of the way she’s been treated by her, but mostly she just wants to finally reconcile with her (really, she wants things to go back to how they used to be… what seems like ages ago). But every time she considers going up to Rue to try and mend their friendship whenever her blond shadow isn’t around, she thinks about the look she’d seen in Rue’s eyes in the bathroom, and she thinks that if she had to see that look directed at her again she’d probably die. So, as usual, she’s too much of a coward to approach her (former) best friend when the possibility of a final, ultimate rejection is too prominent in her thoughts. After all, if she doesn’t make any attempt to upset the status quo and clarify what they currently are to each other, then sometimes she can almost convince herself they might still be friends.

Instead she just goes through the motions, feeling like she’s caught in limbo, some middle-ground purgatory. Every day blurs into the next, to the point that Lexi actually wakes up to her alarm at seven in the morning on a Saturday because she thought it was Friday.

Then all of a sudden it _is_ Friday, the Friday before the annual Columbus Day carnival (which Lexi thinks is possibly the stupidest holiday you could have a carnival for, especially considering it isn’t even _on_ Columbus Day – it’s the Saturday before, because everyone has a long weekend with the Monday holiday, so it gives them an excuse to get absolutely wasted) is looming in front of them, and she’s really not looking forward to it. 

She’s pretty much already decided she isn’t gonna go, since Cassie is going with McKay and she’d really rather not third wheel. The few other people she’d actually feel comfortable enough to go with are… not really viable options, at the moment, so she just thinks it’ll be better for her to stay in. It’s not like she’s a big fan of crowded events like that, anyway. She’s always felt like the carnival was overrated.

In the school week leading up to the carnival, she starts to notice something a little off in her interactions with Jules. She’s barely making an effort to engage Lexi in conversation, when usually Lexi can’t hardly get a word in edgeways. She spends a lot more time on her phone than she used to, always looking down at it and biting her lip with a shy smile. 

At first, she thinks she’s texting with Rue, and her stomach rolls uncomfortably. But then she starts noticing the way Rue will stare mournfully and a little resentfully at Jules whenever they’re together, and she thinks she might not be the only one Jules is shutting out. Whatever’s really going on, though, she doesn’t particularly want to get involved.

Of course, Lexi never gets what she wants.

Everything between them comes to a bit of a head on that Friday, the day before the carnival. Lexi’s just going about her day, stopping in for a pee break between classes, when she turns the corner into the bathroom and Rue is standing at the sink right in front of her.

For half a second, she seriously considers turning around and walking right back out before Rue notices her. But then she lifts her head and meets Lexi’s eyes, and she knows she’s going to have to do what she’s been dreading and actually talk to Rue.

Rue speaks first. “Oh, uhh… hey, Lex,” she says, a little timidly.

And _fuck_, _seriously? Already?_ Lexi actually has to blink rapidly for a few seconds to make sure her eyes don’t water at her old nickname. She desperately throws up her walls, determined not to show Rue how much she affects her.

“Hey,” Lexi says back, voice carefully clear of emotion.

She must be a terrible person, because she can’t stop herself from taking a bit of satisfaction in the way Rue practically flinches at her empty tone. But then she composes herself, shoves her hands in her hoodie pockets, and shrugs.

“I probably deserve that,” Rue admits.

Lexi doesn’t answer. Just stares calmly at Rue and wishes she were somewhere far, far away.

After a second, Rue sighs and rubs at her eyes, and suddenly Lexi can see how _exhausted_ she looks, like she didn’t get any sleep last night. She feels the overwhelming urge to comfort her, to hug her and tell her everything will be okay, but she keeps her walls steadfast. She may still care about her, but right now, she doesn’t trust Rue not to hurt her again.

Once it becomes obvious Lexi isn’t going to reply, Rue sighs again and looks around. “Look, uh, I know you don’t have any reason to say yes,” she says. “But um, Gia wants to go the carnival tomorrow and my mom wants me to chaperone her but, like, she still doesn’t fully trust me to keep her out of trouble, so I was wondering if, uh… if you wanted to go with us tomorrow night?”

Lexi definitely wasn’t expecting that. At least, that’s her excuse for the thoughtless response she gives: “What about Jules?”

For the second time in as many minutes, Rue nearly flinches, and Lexi wonders what could have possibly happened between those two when they seemed so inseparable.

Lexi decides to save Rue from having to answer and instead tries to explain herself. “It’s just, I, uh, I wasn’t really planning on going at all,” she says. “Not really my thing.”

Rue visibly deflates. “Oh, right. Yeah. Okay.”

Surprisingly, she actually does sound disappointed. Lexi’s struck with indecision. Maybe she’s masochistic or some shit, but she supposes spending time with Rue even when things are pretty awkward between them is better than not spending time with her at all.

Man, she really is a goner.

“But, I mean, if y’all want me to go with you, I guess it might not be so bad,” Lexi relents, giving Rue a small smile.

The smile Rue returns is tentative and awkward, but genuine. “Thanks, Lex,” she says. “Gia’s been really excited about it.”

“Yeah, should be fun,” Lexi says, not entirely sure if she’s lying or not. “Anyways, I, uh, I gotta go. Don’t wanna be late.” She may not have gotten to pee, but she can’t even be mad about it.

“Oh. Right, uh, yeah. See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow, Rue.”

And if, when she leaves the bathroom, her steps are a little bit lighter than they’ve been in weeks, well, who can blame her?

* * *

Lexi bikes over to the Bennetts’ house after dinner the next day.

When she left, her mom was thrilled that she was finally going out to have fun for a night. She even said she didn’t care how late Lexi stayed out.

She tries to psych herself up on the way, because the idea of spending an evening with Rue for the first time in a while has her hands twitching nervously and her stomach in knots. Even if they aren’t in the best place right now, the fact that Rue was the one who reached out to her – even if it was by a chance encounter in the bathroom – gives her hope that they might actually be able to repair their friendship after all. Eventually.

When she gets to the house, she leans her bike up against the garage door and walks up to the front porch. She rings the doorbell and waits.

Gia opens the door and smiles at her. “Hey, Lexi,” she says. “I’m glad you could come.”

“Yeah, me too,” Lexi says. “When are we… ?”

“I think we’re about ready to go,” Gia says. “Hold on.”

Sure enough, Rue soon appears behind her dressed in a typically nondescript t-shirt and shorts with a brown light overcoat. She yells back into the house, “Alright mom, Lexi’s here! We’re going!”

Lexi can just barely make out Mrs. Bennett’s faint response. “Okay, be safe! Be home before too late!”

“We will!” Rue shouts back. 

She and Gia step out and join Lexi on the porch. “Thanks again, Lex,” Rue says. “Really.”

“No problem,” Lexi assures her.

Gia can’t find her bike, so they walk together to the carnival. It’s not too far, and it’s a very pleasant October night, so none of them mind.

There’s still plenty of tension between her and Rue. Neither one of them really knows how to handle the situation, so Lexi finds herself grateful that Gia’s there. She talks to Rue and occasionally to Lexi, so they don’t have to talk to each other, and the rest of the time Lexi walks alongside the two sisters in companionable silence.

The carnival is in full swing when they arrive. There are so many stalls offering food, games, and prizes, and there’s people everywhere. Many of them are playing music, which just clashes together into one discordant cacophony of sounds that Lexi has to work really hard to tune out so she doesn’t get a headache.

And yeah, Lexi thinks, if Rue hadn’t asked her specifically, there’s no way she would’ve come.

They wander around for a bit to check out the different games. Gia wants to play pretty much all of them, but with Lexi’s help, Rue’s able to limit her to just the ski ball. She actually does surprisingly well, but of course those carnival games are all rigged, so she still falls short of winning a prize.

She wants to try again, but Rue drags her away. Lexi trails behind, watching the sisters’ interaction with amusement.

They flit between the stalls, looking for something else to do. They come up on one of those “ring the bell” games and Gia excitedly exclaims that she wants to try it. Rue rolls her eyes, but concedes.

As she’s watching Gia ready herself for her swing, she notices Rue’s suddenly frozen. Lexi follows her line of sight, and when she does, her heart sinks. All her hopes for the evening abruptly vanish.

Jules, in a pink outfit with a top and skirt, is full-on sprinting towards them, her arms open wide. Rue doesn’t move, until the very last second when Jules is right in front of her. She steps forward into Jules’ embrace and they spin around in each other’s arms.

Just like that, it’s like Rue’s completely forgotten Lexi and Gia are there. She and Jules look like they’re in their own little bubble, sheltered from all the chaos around them, and once again, Lexi’s caught on the outside looking in.

“Hey…” Lexi jumps, because, okay, she may have forgotten Gia was there, too. Gia must have tried the game already, because now she comes to stand at Lexi’s side and watch Rue and Jules’ reunion.

“Um, I… I think she’s in love with her,” Gia says casually.

Lexi tries not to jump again. “What?” she says.

“Rue,” Gia clarifies. “I think she’s in love with Jules.” She says it so nonchalantly, so matter-of-fact, it nearly crushes Lexi’s heart, and suddenly she can’t breathe.

“Huh,” she manages, hoping the panic isn’t obvious in her voice.

Gia looks at her. “Don’t you think so?”

“I hadn’t really thought about it,” Lexi says, which is probably the biggest lie she’s ever told.

“Oh. Well, um, I’m gonna go catch up with some friends.”

“Oh, okay, sure,” Lexi says. “Have fun.”

Gia smiles at her one more time, then turns and heads away into the carnival crowds, leaving Lexi stranded with the last two people she wants to be around right now.

Rue and Jules are still engrossed with each other, still completely oblivious to everything around them. Lexi pulls out her phone and checks the time, only to find that it’s not even nine o’clock. She closes her eyes and sighs. Then with one last look at Rue, she turns away and leaves the carnival. The girls don’t even notice her absence.

Lexi trudges back to the Bennetts’ to pick up her bike in silence with only her chaotic whirlwind of emotions for company. The autumn night suddenly carries a chill she hadn’t felt before, and she shivers as she bikes home.

Her mom, as usual, is on the living room couch with a glass of wine when she walks in. “Back so early?” she asks when she sees Lexi.

She just nods sadly, shutting the door behind her.

“Everything alright, sweetie?”

As Lexi looks back at her mom, she considers telling her the whole truth for once. She doesn’t know what to do with these feelings, and she just wants _someone_ to be there for her, to help her. But she doesn’t think her mom will understand. They’ve never been as close as she is with Cassie, and she just doesn’t have the energy to open herself up right now. Not when the pain is still so fresh.

So she gives her mom a reassuring smile and says, “Everything’s fine, mom. I’m just tired. I think I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“Okay, honey,” her mom says. “Sleep tight.”

“Thanks.”

She goes upstairs, changes into her pajamas, and slips into bed. She lays under the covers – staring up at the ceiling and trying not to think about Rue – for over an hour before she finally falls into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the one I'm least proud of so far and it was the hardest to write. But the ideas are still flowing and I have very clear plans for this story, and besides, Episodes 5-8 are where Lexi takes the spotlight (relatively speaking, of course). I'm pretty sure she has more screen time in each one of those episodes than she does in the first 4 combined.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friendship rekindled.

The week after the carnival is when things really begin to escalate.

At lunch on Monday, Lexi hears from Cassie that Maddy had been called to the principal’s office because she passed out in first period and the school nurse discovered some bad bruises around her neck under her hoodie. Nate Jacobs is the main suspect, which Lexi thinks makes a lot of sense, given his and Maddy’s history. Apparently Cassie saw him being escorted out of the school with his parents and two police officers.

Sure enough, at the end of lunch, the school’s intercom crackles to life. Nate Jacobs has been suspended indefinitely, the principal announces, for his suspected involvement in a physical altercation with Ms. Maddy Perez at the carnival. Since this is a serious offense, the school will require all students to stay late after school today to attend a brief seminar on relationship abuse after the final bell. The seminars will be organized by grade level and room assignments will be handed out individually during homeroom.

The cafeteria is filled with groans. The vast majority of the East Highland population couldn’t care less about whatever new drama is going on between Nate and Maddy – honestly, it’s par for the course. But nobody wants to be held after school to listen to some bullshit talk about abuse because of it.

Lexi doesn’t really care one way or the other. She understands why the school is doing it, but she’s pretty sure both parties – students _and_ school – know that no one’s going to take any of it seriously. Which is a shame, Lexi thinks, because most of them probably need it.

When she gets to homeroom, she sees Rue sitting in the back left corner, so she very deliberately picks a seat in the back right corner. Rue looks up from her phone and meets Lexi’s eyes. For the first time in a while, she looks… good, actually. She doesn’t seem as tired, and she’s watching Lexi with an expression that seems almost thoughtful.

Lexi wonders if Rue has any idea why (or even _when_) she left the carnival Saturday night, and if she cared at all. Then she shakes her head at herself, and sets herself to busywork to drown out her thoughts. 

She can still feel Rue’s eyes on her.

At some point during the period, Mrs. Browning comes around and gives each person a little note card with their placement for the seminar. Lexi’s reads: _Grade 11_, _Room 232,_ and she wonders idly if she got assigned to a room with anyone she knows.

As it turns out, she got assigned to a room with just about _everyone _she knows.

When she gets to room 232, Maddy and Cassie are already there, so she picks a seat near her sister in the middle of the classroom. After a while, BB walks in and joins them. A few minutes later, Rue and Jules arrive, too, heading to the back and sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on top of a table with their backs propped up against the wall.

She sighs. Luck really hasn’t been on Lexi’s side lately.

The seminar begins with some teacher Lexi’s never seen before giving a quick introduction, and then she starts playing a video about domestic abuse. She can practically _hear_ the students around her rolling their eyes, but none of them voice their thoughts. 

At one point, Lexi turns around to try and gauge Rue’s reaction, and sees Jules resting her head on Rue’s shoulder as Rue leans her head against Jules’.

She quickly turns back around.

She and Cassie are silent on the way home. It’s nothing new for her, but Cass is usually a lot more talkative, and Lexi wonders if the whole Maddy situation is affecting her more than she let on. She doesn’t prod, though. If her sister wanted to talk to her about it, she would.

Once they finally get home, Cassie pulls up at the curb and lets Lexi out, but doesn’t follow. “Going back out?” Lexi asks.

Cassie nods. “Let mom know I’m going to McKay’s?”

“Sure. Love you, Cass.”

“Thanks, Lex. Love you, too.”

Lexi goes inside after she drives away. She gives a scripted response when her mom asks how the school day was, before informing her about Cassie and going upstairs. She dumps her backpack on the floor and flops down onto her bed with a sigh. Then, since she was able to get most of her homework done in homeroom, she pulls out her phone to start browsing through Twitter.

She’s been at it for a couple hours when her phone buzzes in her hand and a message pops up on the screen:

**Rue: R u home?**

Her heart starts to beat a little faster when the text is quickly followed by two more.

**Rue: I know i havent been a great friend**

**Rue: But im sorry and let me make it up to you**

And suddenly, Lexi’s evening gets a lot brighter. She notices she’s just staring at her phone, grinning stupidly, and quickly types a short response.

**Lexi: Yeah, I’m home**

**Rue: Come down**

A few seconds later, the doorbell rings. “I’ll get it!” Lexi calls down to her mom. She jumps up from her bed and heads out to the hall, slips, and almost falls down the stairs in her haste to get to the door. She makes it there in one piece, though, and waits for a few seconds to try to calm herself down so it’s not overly obvious how eager she is to see Rue. Once her racing heart has settled a bit, she opens the door.

She thought she was prepared, but somehow Rue always manages to catch her off guard. She’s wearing a circle-patterned silky button-down shirt (unbuttoned) in varying shades of brown over a black t-shirt with plain black pants. Her hair is let down to her shoulders, her beautiful brown curls loose, and to Lexi, she’s a vision. She looks absolutely gorgeous.

She’s also soaking wet. When Rue smiles, though – a true, glowing smile, one Lexi hasn’t seen in too long – and steps forward, embracing her in a chilly hug, she can’t find it in herself to care.

At first, she’s almost too shocked to move, wondering if she’d fallen asleep scrolling through Twitter and dreamed everything after. But then Rue sighs happily, and Lexi shivers at the feeling of her breath ghosting on her neck, and she knows it’s real. She closes her eyes and wraps her arms around her best friend in return, squeezing her tightly despite her wet clothes.

“I’m so sorry, Lex,” Rue murmurs in her ear, sniffing. “God, I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Shhh,” Lexi says. She tentatively rubs up and down Rue’s back. “It’s okay.”

“No, no, it’s not okay,” Rue says. “You’re always so nice to me and I was such a bitch to you and you didn’t deserve it and I’m such a shitty friend but you really are my best friend and I – “

Lexi interrupts her rambling. “Hey, hey, I’m serious, it’s okay. I’m not mad, Rue-Rue.” The old childhood nickname slips from her lips before she can stop herself, but Rue just sniffs again and hugs her harder. She hopes Rue can’t feel how fast her heart is beating. “It’s cold out here, let’s go inside,” Lexi says after a few seconds. “And you need to change, you’re drenched. Come on.”

They finally separate. Rue wipes her nose with her hand and smiles sadly. “After you, Howard,” she teases. 

Lexi rolls her eyes fondly and leads her inside. Rue shuts the door behind her. They start to head upstairs, when Lexi’s mom calls out from the kitchen, “Who was it, Lexi?”

“Oh, it’s Rue, mom,” says Lexi.

“Hi, Mrs. Howard,” Rue chimes in.

“Oh hey, Rue,” Lexi’s mom says. “Dinner’s ready soon, you wanna stay and eat?”

Rue looks at Lexi, who smiles and shrugs.

“Um, sure,” Rue says. “Thanks, Mrs. Howard.”

“Alright, come on,” Lexi says, chuckling. “I’ve got some clothes you can borrow. Call us when dinner’s ready, mom!”

She takes Rue’s hand and pulls her up the stairs before her mom starts a conversation with them. Rue follows her into their room, and Lexi’s grateful Cassie’s out. She walks over to her closet and starts rifling through it. 

She digs out a long sleeve shirt with a rendering of a space shuttle takeoff on it and a pair of multicolor splotched jeans. She doesn’t even look for a bra, she knows Rue hates wearing them. “Here, I think these should fit y…” She says, but trails off as she turns around. Rue’s standing in front of her dresser, frozen at the framed pictures Lexi’s kept on top of it for years and years.

There’s photos of the two of them from so many birthday parties when they were kids. In some, they’re blowing out the candles together; in others, they’re hugging so close Lexi’s practically draped over Rue or Rue over Lexi. There are pictures from Halloweens over the years, making stupid poses in all their silly costumes that seemed like great ideas to kids that age – including that one year in the beginning of middle school when they’d both dressed as detectives and started pretending they were the stars of a buddy cop movie, addressing each other by only their last names (something they still occasionally slipped back into). There are even some that one of their parents had taken from the sleepovers they used to have, curled up on the couch together or with their heads peeking out of a pillow fort.

But between all the frames, there’s one constant: there’s not a single photo where they aren’t smiling.

Lexi stares at Rue uncertainly, the clothes in her hand forgotten.

“I almost forgot about these,” Rue whispers, and she’s sniffling again. She turns to face Lexi. “Shit, it feels like ages ago. You kept all of them?”

Words caught in her throat, all she can do is nod.

Rue rubs her eyes. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, Lexi,” she says. “I mean it. You’re like the nicest fucking human being ever, and I keep treating you like shit.”

And Lexi knows what she needs to hear. “I forgive you, Rue,” she says quietly, but meaningfully. “I never held it against you.”

“How are you so fucking amazing all the time?” Rue says torturously. “God, I missed you.” She steps forward to hug Lexi again, but she holds up a hand and Rue stops, confused.

“Easy there, Bennett,” Lexi jokes. She offers the shirt and jeans to Rue. “Dry clothes first, then hug.”

Rue nods gratefully, takes the clothes from her, and immediately starts stripping off her shirts. Lexi quickly turns, blushing. “Just… respecting your privacy,” she says awkwardly.

“Right, uhh… thanks.” Rue sounds a bit puzzled, but fortunately doesn’t push. “Um, you’re good now,” she says once she’s finished changing.

Lexi turns back around to face her best friend. She holds her arms open, and Rue steps into them again. Lexi rests her cheek on Rue’s shoulder, closes her eyes, and just breathes her in.

Eventually, they pull away again. Rue sits down on one end of the futon and pats the cushion next to her, so Lexi plops down next to her. Rue shifts to lay her head in Lexi’s lap and stretches her legs out over the futon. Lexi tries not to overthink it; she knows Rue always used to love snuggling up with her when they were kids. She just likes physical contact.

It doesn’t stop Lexi from wishing it was a little more than that.

Lexi runs her fingers absently through Rue’s curls. “So…” Lexi begins. “Um… are you okay, Rue?”

Rue’s eyes are closed, and she doesn’t respond for a little while. Lexi actually begins to think she’s asleep and might not have heard her, but then she speaks. “Yeah, I am,” Rue says, and for once it doesn’t sound hollow. “I actually am.”

Lexi smiles at her, not that she sees it. They lapse into silence for a while longer, until Rue speaks again. This time, she starts a little hesitantly.

“You know, I… I’ve, um… I’ve actually been clean for uh, like two weeks,” she says. She sounds tentative, like she’s anticipating Lexi’s reaction, but there’s a definite note of pride in her voice, too.

Lexi’s almost too stunned to answer. “That’s… that’s awesome, Rue,” she says. “I’m so proud of you.” Her heart soars, and she doesn’t even stop to wonder about the cause of Rue’s sobriety. She’s too relieved, relieved that her best friend might finally be making progress in learning how to stop destroying her own life.

“Thanks, Lex,” Rue says with a bashful smile. “Yeah, I was actually… I was at an NA meeting tonight before I came here, and I got caught in the rain on the way over. Oh, hey, that reminds me – I came over to ask if you wanted to go roller skating with me and Jules tonight after dinner?”

And all it takes is the mention of Jules’ name to bring Lexi crashing right back to earth. _Of course_, she thinks. _Of course it would be Jules_. She can’t deny she hadn’t noticed how much happier Rue had been around school once she started hanging out with Jules. She thinks Rue must really care about Jules if she’s willing to try to get clean for her.

And it’s petty, she knows it’s petty, and bitter, and all that, but she can’t help but resent the fact that Rue never felt that way about her – and probably never would. She’s known Rue almost her whole life, and even that friendship wasn’t enough to stand between her and drugs. Yet Jules had barely been here a few months and already had inspired Rue to start trying to stay sober? What does Jules have that Lexi doesn’t? 

But she knows it’s not fair to think like that. First of all, she still doesn’t know pretty much anything about the nature or background of their relationship. 

Besides, what Lexi does know is the brutally honest truth is that she let Rue push her away. At first, she’d tried to fight it, had struggled to keep their friendship afloat despite Rue’s best efforts to sink it. But it was tiring, so tiring, and eventually she realized she wasn’t getting anywhere. What was the point? Rue was never going to change for her. So she just tried her best to ignore the heartbreak, hope her stupid crush would leave her heart alone, and settled back into her routine. And yeah, it was probably the worst torture she could’ve imagined – forced to be there to watch Rue unravel herself and unable to help her because Rue wouldn’t allow her to – but she endured it because she had no other choice. She still made half-hearted attempts where she could, on the rare occasions where glimpses of the old Rue shone through and she’d let Lexi be there for her, but the rest of the time, she just had to push her feelings for Rue down deep and resign herself to being trapped on the outside of her life. What do you do when you care for someone who doesn’t want you to care for them? It’s a question she still isn’t sure how to answer.

She’s jealous of Jules. She’s not proud of it, but she allows herself to admit it. At the same time, though, she’s grateful to her. Rue being clean – and _happy_ – is a big deal; Lexi knows that, and she’s overjoyed for Rue that she’s making this step.

She just wishes she was the one who could make Rue so happy.

“Lex, hey? Hello?”

Rue’s voice snaps her out of her thoughts, and she realizes she got pulled way too deep into her own head for a second there. “Oh, uh, sorry, kinda spaced out for a sec,” she says, hoping she’s not blushing. “Roller skating? Yeah, sure, I’d love to.” She smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes this time.

Thankfully, Rue doesn’t notice. “Cool,” she says happily. “Do you think your mom’s almost finished with dinner?”

Lexi’s about to answer, and then she thinks about how painfully awkward a dinner with Rue would be with her mom. She hadn’t counted on that when she offered to let Rue stay, she’d just wanted to spend more time with her. Now, though…

“Actually, I’m not very hungry,” Lexi says. “Wanna go now?”

Rue shrugs. “Okay,” she agrees. “I’ll text Jules.”

Fortunately, it isn’t raining anymore, so they’re able to bike to the rink with no issues. Jules meets them there. She greets Rue with an excited squeal and a huge hug, then waves at Lexi. She waves awkwardly back. Then the three girls slot their bikes into the rack outside and walk in together.

The music surrounds them immediately. Combined with the dark atmosphere and the colored spotlights everywhere, it brings back a lot of memories for Lexi. Happy ones, mostly, except for the fact that almost all of them include the girl she’s in love with, whose girlfriend (?) is currently standing right next to her. So, yeah. Not too great.

She tries not to let it bring her down. After all, this is what she wanted, isn’t it? She has her friendship with Rue back, and her best friend is doing better than she can remember seeing her in a long, long time. If she really loves Rue, shouldn’t she be happy about that, regardless of who got her there? _Acceptance is the last of the five stages of grief_, she thinks wryly. _How appropriate_. But nonetheless, she resolves to herself to have a good time tonight, no matter what, and from now on, she needs to be determined not to let her feelings for Rue get in the way of anything else. It’s long been past time for that.

They rent their skates and find a bench to sit on while they get them tied. At first, she almost has to force herself to act happy, but as they get out onto the rink and the night goes on, she actually starts having fun.

Jules’ effervescent personality fits neatly into their friendship, and Lexi finds herself dancing and laughing right along with the two of them. They hold hands in a line with Rue in the middle, they do a little conga line, they buy some snacks because Rue and Lexi still haven’t had dinner. They each fall a few times, but no matter who it is, there’s always two others there to pick them up.

All too soon, Lexi notices how late it’s gotten and reminds the other two that it’s a school night, and they should probably be getting home before too long. They groan good-naturedly, but agree. She and Jules leave the rink and find another bench to use to get their skates off, while Rue begs for one more lap around the rink. The other two girls concede, chuckling at her childlike enthusiasm.

“Rue seems really good,” Lexi points out.

“Yeah, she does,” Jules says dreamily.

Lexi feels compelled to acknowledge the positive effect Jules has had on Rue, a sort of passing of the torch of looking after Rue’s wellbeing (not that it was ever Lexi’s to look after). It almost feels like admitting her failure. “It’s because of you, you know,” she says. “You’ve been great for her.”

Jules doesn’t seem to know how to react to that. She shrugs uncertainly. “I’m, uh, gonna use the bathroom before we leave,” she says and gets up, walking stiffly towards the bathroom.

Maybe it’s just the late hour, or the fog that’s starting to drift in, but the bike ride home seems subdued. Rue still hasn’t come down from the high of the skating rink, a big grin plastered on her face, but something seems off with Jules. Lexi just silently watches them both from the back of their little convoy.

Eventually, they reach the turn off for Lexi’s street. “I’ll… see you guys at school tomorrow,” she says. “Tonight was fun, thanks for inviting me.”

“Thanks for coming, Howard,” Rue says. “And, you know, thanks for the clothes.”

“Anytime, Bennett,” Lexi says, waving her off. “Bye, Rue, Jules.”

“Later Lex.”

“Bye.”

The door is locked and Cassie and their mom are probably asleep already, so Lexi uses the hidden spare key to unlock the door and tiptoe in. She sneaks into her room to find that her sister is, in fact, already in bed, so she changes quietly into her pajamas and climbs into her own bed. She closes her eyes, and she’s out seconds after her head hits her pillow.

It’s the best sleep she’s had in a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know it didn't rain in the episode... I liked the idea of it, okay? Sue me (please don't)


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Halloween party.
> 
> Or
> 
> Lexi's Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad But Also Kind of Okay Night, Part 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I'm sorry... this one kind of got away from me lol. I knew going in that this was going to be my favorite chapter yet to write, but I realized when I was over 2000 words in and hadn't even gotten to the party yet that this was going to be way longer than even I could have predicted. There's kind of a lot of show dialogue in this one, but I tried to balance it out with scenes of original dialogue and stuff we don't see in the show - the whole point of this is to examine Lexi's thoughts during the canon events, after all, so that means you kind of need to portray the canon events. But let me know if it was too much in this one.

The next couple of weeks are filled with more sunshine than the past few _years_ before them. Lexi floats through the days, feeling like she’s on cloud nine, because her Rue-Rue is finally back.

She’s dreamed of this for so long, but she never realistically imagined it would happen and she wouldn’t dare to hope. Once Rue’s addiction began dominating her life, she didn’t think she’d ever be able to connect with Rue again in the same way they had when they were kids. But now she’s finally gotten clean, and is actually _staying_ clean, and every day more and more of the old Rue peeks her head out from her shell.

For one thing, they’re actually hanging out together again. Rue makes sure to sit next to her again in the classes they share and often walks with her through the hallways, and Lexi joins her and Jules’ table at lunch. Almost every night, Rue texts her to ask if she wants to hang out (the answer is always “yes”) – usually with Jules, too, but there have been a couple nights where Jules was occupied with something else and it would just be the two of them, riding their bikes to the park or watching a movie or TV in Lexi’s room.

Of course, she’s still careful not to let her deepest feelings loose. Rue is with Jules (she thinks? They certainly act like they’re together, but she hasn’t heard either of them outright say it) and not Lexi, after all. She doesn’t want to risk the happiness Rue has found in Jules by unbalancing whatever’s going on there, so she just shoves those feelings down and goes with the flow.

I mean, it’s not like she can complain… she has her Rue-Rue back!

And it’s great. Even despite Jules, and Lexi’s stupid feelings, it’s really, really great. She falls easily back into her old rhythms and habits with Rue, and to her surprise, finds the other girl quickly doing the same. Rue’s always been kind of touchy-feely, so they’ll snuggle together on Lexi’s bed or on the futon just like when they were kids, the only difference being the addition of Jules. All of their old childhood nicknames like Rue-Rue and Lex begin to make their way back into everyday usage, and they even occasionally bring out their old “Detectives Bennett and Howard” schtick, just for fun. 

Lexi also notices that Rue isn’t afraid to hug her a lot, like _a lot _a lot, which she loves. And yeah, she knows that even with the hugging and the cuddling and the cute nicknames, it still won’t ever mean everything she wants it to mean. But it’s okay, because it’s still Rue, and it still means _something_. She’ll take what she can get.

She honestly never thought she’d get to the point where she could actually just accept that her love would never be returned, but selfishly, she wants to continue to enjoy Rue’s company and bask in the glow of the happiness that Jules has sparked in her. If this is the only way she can do that, then damn it, she’ll force herself to ignore her complicated feelings a thousand times over if it means she gets to keep her best friend for good this time.

Of course, not everything is exactly perfect. As close as she is to both Jules and Rue, and being afforded an outside perspective on their relationship, Lexi can’t help but notice that things still seem a bit off with them.

It’s subtle. So subtle, in fact, that she doesn’t actually think Rue has picked up on it yet. If she has, she’s doing a really good job at hiding it. Jules, though… not so much. 

Then again, to be fair, she might be, but Lexi knows all too well how to recognize when someone’s hiding something behind an empty smile. She’s obviously not telling them everything, but as far as Lexi can tell, even though Jules doesn’t seem entirely comfortable around the two of them (especially Rue), she’s at least making the effort to put on a front for Rue’s benefit. If nothing else, that tells her that Jules really does care about Rue, which is a plus in Lexi’s book. As long as it doesn’t negatively affect Rue, she’s willing to let Jules get by without Lexi interrogating her. She doesn’t really want to confront the other girl, and quite frankly, it’s just none of Lexi’s business.

Yet despite trying her best to stay out of it, she’s too perceptive for her own good, and after a while she starts to wonder. She knows better than anyone how Rue feels about Jules, but she’s beginning to get the impression that Jules might not feel exactly the same way about Rue in return. It would certainly explain why she’s been so awkward lately around Rue. 

Lexi wishes she didn’t take perverse hope from that possibility.

But that’s all it is at this point – possibilities and speculation. All she knows for certain is that whatever happens, heartbreak or no, she’s going to do her utmost to always be there for Rue whenever she can. She feels like she could’ve done more last time, that she failed Rue for letting her fear and pain stop her from holding on to their friendship as hard as she could have. She’s determined not to let that happen again. She may not be able to show her love in exactly the ways she wants, the big ways, but she can still show it in all the small ones and just hope no one recognizes it for what it is.

And so those couple of weeks fly by in that little haze of happiness, and for once Lexi doesn’t feel like she’s just going through the motions. She’s no longer spending her evenings and nights after school holed up in her room because there’s no one she doesn’t have anyone to hang out with outside of school hours. She finally has friends again, and it’s a thousand times better than she remembered.

Soon enough, it’s the week of Halloween, and the school is abuzz with excitement about some upcoming party Lexi really couldn’t give two shits about. The thirty-first is a Thursday this year, and even East Highland kids aren’t _that_ stupid, so the Halloween party is on Friday night even though it’s the day after Halloween. Apparently Daniel-whose-last-name-she-can-never-remember is the one hosting it, and Lexi doesn’t really know anything about him other than he’s a total fuckboy.

Naturally, though, when Rue invites Lexi to go to the party with her, Jules, and Kat, she can’t find it in herself to say no – like usual where Rue is involved. But as Friday approaches, she realizes that she’s actually not dreading it as much as she expected. And sure, she’s expecting to have to be the responsible one and keep a close eye on Rue and Jules, but she even allows herself to hope that because of her newly rekindled friendships, she might actually end up having fun.

Of course, what Lexi somehow manages to forget until Thursday night, when she sees Cassie going out to a Halloween party at McKay’s college – because apparently colleges don’t give a shit what day of the week they party on – is that going to a Halloween party means she has to find a Halloween _costume_.

And she’s not naïve – she knows what the expectation of Halloween costumes are for high school parties, especially girls. But Lexi has never enjoyed dressing sexy, as a quiet and shy type - she hates the attention it draws. Besides, she’s always preferred costumes on the more silly end of the spectrum anyway… likely thanks to all the times she and Rue would find some gimmicky duo of costumes they could rock together as kids.

So Thursday night finds her lying on her bed after dinner flipping through her old photo albums for hours, reminiscing about Halloweens past and hoping inspiration strikes her. Eventually it does, though not in the way she expected.

She reaches the most recent of their costume pictures together from their last year of middle school, the last year before everything went to shit. Rue went trick-or-treating dressed flawlessly as Michael Jackson, and Lexi… Lexi was Elvis. She remembers that night clear as ever; they’d waltzed around the neighborhood, belting out classics at the top of their lungs and embarrassing themselves by trying to mimic the dance moves each star had made famous. It’s probably the last night she can remember having that much fun, until her recent reconciliation with Rue. She can’t help but grin at the picture, replaying the memories in her head.

And that’s when she thinks, well, she’s always enjoyed the comedic factor of dressing up as a male celebrity, so why not? She just needs to find the right one. She looks back at her old Elvis costume – which, can she just take a second to toot her own horn, because she really went all out for that shit and hot damn, she feels like she _owned_ it – and thinks. She remembers the idea she’d wanted to try the next year with Rue, but hadn’t been able to because of… everything that happened: one of them as Bob Ross, and the other a tree he was painting.

Even though she knows she probably won’t be able to convince Rue to partner with her on this, she thinks, _Bob Ross is still pretty cool, right?_ And, she muses, it would probably be pretty low cost and effort to pull off effectively, so she says fuck it. She’ll be Bob Ross. By the time she settles on the idea, though, it’s too late to start working on it that night, so she decides to just ask Cassie to take her shopping right after school tomorrow.

During lunch on Friday, though, she faces a brief moment of doubt when she’s sitting at the table with Rue and Jules.

“So what are you guys going as tonight?” she asks them. Depending on their answers, she’s considering asking them for advice on a different costume to do.

Jules looks at Rue, then at her, and Rue folds her arms on the table and thumps her head face first into them. Lexi gets the distinct impression she’s been left out of the loop on something. 

“Leeeeeex,” Rue groans into her arms. “Why’d you have to bring it up…” 

“What?” she asks, confused.

Jules knocks her shoulder into Rue’s. “Rue, come on,” she says playfully. “It’s not that big a deal…”

“If it’s not a big deal than just _tell me_.” Rue’s words are muffled by her arms, which definitely takes away from the serious tone she’s going for.

“No! It’s a surprise!”

Lexi’s lost. “Tell you what?”

“I’ve been trying to get her to tell me what she’s wearing tonight but she won’t do it,” Rue complains. “And she keeps stopping me when I try to tell her what I’m going as… like, physically-putting-her-hand-over-my-mouth stopping me.”

“Well, duh,” Jules says. “It’s like, tradition or something that you aren’t supposed to tell anyone what your costume is!”

“I pick ‘or something’,” Rue mumbles half-heartedly.

Lexi can’t say she’s ever heard of that tradition before, but Rue is adorably put-out about this, so she’s willing to go along with the opportunity to tease her best friend. “Oh, right, ha, how silly of me,” Lexi says. “How could I forget such a sacred and revered tradition?”

Rue lifts her head and glares at her, and Lexi meets it for a few seconds before giving in and laughing, for real this time. Jules winks at her and joins in. Rue grumbles, but Lexi can see the corner of her lip twitching up, and soon they’re all laughing until the bell rings.

Of course, as great a lunch as it was, it still leaves Lexi with a) no information about her friends’ costumes for reference and b) no advice about whether Bob Ross would be an acceptable choice for her own, which kind of sucks. But she wasn’t really expecting to change her mind anyway.

Oh, well. Bob Ross it is.

Cassie drives her to the nearest Goodwill once school is out. It’s another quiet car ride, and she knows Cass is probably still stewing over whatever that frat bullshit that happened with McKay was last night. Lexi wishes she could help her, but she’s never been great at initiating that kind of thing and she has no idea where to even begin with something like that. All she can do is be there for her sister when she’s ready to talk about it, and do her best to help her then. But until then, she knows the deflection response she’ll get if she tries to prod Cass into opening up to her about it.

When they get to the Goodwill, Lexi heads straight for the men’s clothes. The light blue button-down and black pants are the easy part. She manages to find a pair of gold oval glasses that look perfect, too. The tricky part is the hair. Goodwill doesn’t really do wigs or fake beards, and even if they did, Lexi’s pretty sure it’d be best not to wear them.

Instead, they make another trip, this time to Party City. Fortunately, afro wigs are probably the most common wigs in existence, so she’s able to find a brown one without too much trouble. The mustache and beard leave a little more to be desired, but she figures she can touch it up a little bit when she gets home.

She knows Rue, Jules, and Kat were going to come by after dinner to pick up her and Cassie so they could all walk to Daniel’s together. She has just over an hour before dinner once they get home from their errands, so she rushes up to her room and gets to work.

By the time her three friends arrive, Lexi’s transformation is complete, and she’s pretty proud of the result. She even found a plastic color palette in the garage that still had splotches of old paint on it to complete the aesthetic.

Around eight, the doorbell rings. Lexi throws open the front door with flair, grinning widely.

Invariably, her eyes lock on to Rue first. Her best friend has on a full tuxedo with a silver bowtie and black suit pants. Her brown curls are styled at chin length, higher than she normally lets them fall, and her eyes are encircled with dark purple glittery makeup. Lexi has no idea what or who she’s supposed to be, but she looks _gorgeous_. 

Kat is in between the two, dressed as some kind of nun Lexi doesn’t recognize either. She’s in a large black dress, with some kind of light chain necklace around her neck. Her habit looks like it’s made from black and white duct tape, which is actually kind of impressive if it’s true. She’s got little crosses tattooed under her eyes in black marker and striking black/red lipstick.

Jules is on the right end. She’s wearing a flowing white dress, with minimal makeup on her face except for a butterfly wing made of golden sequins coming from the outside corner of each eye. There are two white feathery wings taped to the middle of her back. It’s the only costume of the three Lexi thinks she actually knows what she was going for: Juliet, from the DiCaprio adaptation of _Romeo and Juliet_. Jules, Juliet… nice.

In the same span of time Lexi has been evaluating her friends’ costumes, they’ve also been doing the same to her. Apparently Bob Ross isn’t quite the hit Lexi was hoping for, because after a few seconds of obvious struggling, they can’t hold it in any longer and all three begin snorting and snickering.

Whatever. It’s their loss.

Her mom ribs her a bit about it, too, but she shrugs it off. She’s a little disappointed her friends (especially Rue) don’t seem to share her enthusiasm for it, but she tries not to let it bother her.

Once Cassie comes downstairs, they all head out together onto the street. The walk is mostly silent. Lexi’s at the back of the group, how she likes, and she watches her friends curiously. They all seem preoccupied with something. She doesn’t know what’s bothering Kat, but she knows some of what Cassie’s dealing with right now. And the awkwardness between Rue and Jules seems to have reached new heights. She’s getting that vibe even from Rue now, and Lexi thinks Rue might have finally noticed that something’s not entirely right with Jules.

It turns out they’re probably some of the last ones to get to the party.

The music is deafening, and the subdued neon (what an oxymoron) lighting paints everything in an ethereal and disorienting glow. There are so many people packed into such a tiny space, dancing and grinding on each other and smelling terrible the whole time. It’s an introvert’s nightmare, and Lexi hates every second of it. She tries her best to stay with the group, but she soon finds herself separated from them and on her own.

Normally, this would be more than a little frightening. But fortunately for Lexi, she just happens to be wearing what is quite possibly one of the most unattractive Halloween costumes in the history of Halloween costumes, which makes for pretty perfect fuckboy repellent. No one makes any unwanted advances on her, and she’s left unbothered as she finds her way through the drunk and sweaty crowd to an unoccupied couch.

For a while, she just sits and watches everyone around her embarrass themselves. She’s mildly concerned about what Rue and Jules might be getting up to, but she feels like if she gets up off this couch alone the current of partygoers will sweep her away and she’ll never find her way back.

Rue finds her eventually and plops down on the couch next to her with a huff. Jules is nowhere in sight.

“Hey, Rue,” Lexi says brightly.

Rue just grunts, staring intensely at nothing.

Lexi frowns, suddenly unsure. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” Rue says, and it’s not an answer anybody wants to hear but at least it’s honest. She still hasn’t turned her head to face Lexi or even blinked. Lexi realizes she actually _is_ looking at something.

Lexi follows her gaze and, oh, that’s where Jules is… dancing wildly in the middle of the room with a huge carefree smile on her face and very, extremely, obviously drunk.

“Um… does she usually drink?” Lexi asks.

“No,” Rue says with a heavy sigh. She finally averts her eyes from Jules, looking down at her hands instead.

Lexi wishes she could hug her, or hold her hand, or pat her on the back, or just _something_ to show Rue she cares. She can tell that whatever is going on between her and Jules, it’s really getting to Rue. _Fuck it_, she thinks, and she’s just decided to scoot over and wrap her arms around Rue when she notices something behind her and gets distracted.

“Hey, is that… Gia?” Lexi says, and yep. It’s definitely Gia, sitting next to one of the McKay twins and about to take a puff from his joint.

“You’ve gotta be _fucking_ joking,” Rue grits out, and immediately stands up and marches towards them. Lexi trails behind her. She has no idea what Rue’s about to do, but she figures she should probably tag along just to make sure it doesn’t… get too out of hand. Say what you will about Rue, she’s _very_ protective of her little sister.

After a (very) brief argument, Rue practically kidnaps… Roy, Lexi guesses. Rue hauls him by the neck of his suit and drags him out to the garage. Lexi paves the way in front of them by just smiling painfully at everyone they pass, like, _Yep, this is normal, folks, don’t worry about it_.

She opens the door for Rue and leads the way into the garage, grabbing an old metal chair and placing it in the center of the floor. Rue gives her a serious nod in thanks and unceremoniously dumps Roy into it.

“Now listen here, you little shit,” Rue growls, and Lexi thinks, _Okay, so this is like hardcore Detective Bennett_. _I can roll with that._ “Imma be real straight with you. You ever been to rehab, Roy?”

“No, I’m Troy, I –“

“Roy, Troy, I don’t give a fuck,” Rue powers on, like he hadn’t even spoken. Apparently Rue couldn’t tell them apart either, so Lexi doesn’t feel so bad (not that she really would have anyway). “I said, have you ever been to rehab?”

“No,” Troy answers. He doesn’t seem quite that intimidated yet, but he’s definitely uncertain.

“Well, in rehab, there are some real fucked-up motherfuckers,” Rue says. Lexi loves the way her normally faint accent becomes more exaggerated when she acts tough. “We’re talkin’ people who are on the hook for… armed robbery, attempted murder, real fucked-up shit. Hardcore motherfuckers.”

“It’s true,” Lexi adds helpfully. “I went once. It was scary.” Complete bullshit, of course, but it seems to do the job. Troy is looking decidedly less comfortable now.

Rue nods at her again, then turns back to Troy. “You know what happens when you spend an extended amount of time in rehab? You tend to make friends with those hardcore motherfuckers. So let me be very clear with you. If you so much as go past first base with my little sister, or try to get her high again, I will call Omar, I will call Marlo. I will call Avon, I will call Brother Mouzone, I will call fuckin' Bodie, and I will call fucking Stringer. And I will have these motherfuckers standing outside of your front lawn. Do you hear me?”

“Or even Wee-bey,” Lexi pipes up again.

“A hundred percent,” Rue agrees. “Do you know what kind of people these are? These are the kind of people who will strip you fucking naked… and go to work on you with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. Do you hear me?”

Lexi figures she’s supposed to be the good cop here. “Rue, I think he understands.”

“I don’t think he understands.”

“Say you understand,” Lexi orders Troy. She tries to use her most stern voice, but she doesn’t usually have to try to do this kind of thing to people, so she’s not sure it quite comes off.

Regardless, Troy seems suitably cowed. “I understand,” he says shakily.

“Great,” Rue says. “Now go back in there and tell my little sister she looks nice.”

Rue backs off, and Troy finally stands. He awkwardly adjusts his collar, refusing to meet their eyes, and heads back into the main house to rejoin the party.

Lexi and Rue share a look, and then burst into giggles. “Wow,” Lexi says, grinning. “Are Detectives Bennett and Howard going corrupt?”

Rue snorts. “What, just for runnin’ a good ol’ good cop/bad cop?” She holds out a fist, and Lexi bumps it. “Nah, sometimes you just gotta flex a little and remind people who’s boss. Come on, Howard, let’s go make sure he listened.”

They leave the garage, still giggling, and head up the stairs to the right to get a good vantage point. They’re just in time to see Troy reach Gia and turn around and make eye contact with them. They’re too far and it’s way too loud to hear what he says, but Gia looks a little flustered, so Lexi figures he followed Rue’s instructions.

They turn to each other and share another smile, and suddenly Lexi notices how close their faces are. Rue looks so adorably self-satisfied it’s all Lexi can do to stop herself from kissing her right then and there.

Erm… what? _Whoa, Howard, calm down there_. _What the hell are you doing?_

“You good, Lex?” Rue asks her, frowning.

“Yeah, yeah,” Lexi says. “I’m, uh, I’m just gonna go use the bathroom real quick.”

“Okay.”

Lexi hurries off before Rue can see her blush. She tries her best to regroup in the bathroom, but her head is scrambled.

It’s not like she’s _never_ thought about kissing Rue before. In fact, for one specific night in middle school, kissing Rue was _all_ she could think about for the whole night. Even though it’s been years, she still remembers how soft Rue’s lips had been, how Rue’s hand had felt on her cheek when she deepened the kiss, how good and comfortable and _right_ it had felt to be kissing her best friend. Of course, that’s when the proverbial water bucket had splashed her in the face and she realized what she was doing, and suddenly all that joy turned into awkward real fucking fast.

Rue had remained unbothered, probably because she was high, but also because she was a normal person unlike Lexi who was _fucking enjoying kissing her best friend_, so Lexi had just tried to brush it off and forget anything had happened.

It hadn’t worked. It’s been years, and she still remembers every detail (<strike>it’s probably the clearest memory she has</strike>).

As she often reminds herself, she’s not stupid, or naïve. She’d never met a boy who made her feel the same fluttery feeling as Rue’s kiss. She never felt the need to put a label on it, but she knew she was probably more interested in girls. So what, big deal.

Even then, she doesn’t think she should be feeling this way about her _best friend_ who she’s known since childhood. The romantic love is one thing, she’s already packaged that up neatly and dealt with that, thank you very much (_no you haven’t_). But this new feeling (_is it new?_), this urge to just take Rue’s face in her hands and kiss her – left cheek first, then her right, then her forehead and her chin, the way she knows Rue’s OCD requires of her – it’s not unwelcome, exactly, but it is like, _really _bad timing.

Lexi puts her head in her hands and groans. Awesome, sexual feelings for your best friend – just another thing for her to hide behind indifference and pretend like she’s fine when she’s really, obviously not. But she knows she’ll get away with it, because the only one who looks at her closely enough to notice is blinded by platinum blonde hair and a radiant smile.

She takes a few deep breaths, and decides that she really needs to just head back into the party and hope that the overwhelming bass music repeatedly drumming into her head will make it impossible for her to hear herself think for the rest of the night.

When she finally emerges from the bathroom, Rue is no longer on the stairs, which is probably a good thing. Lexi wanders around for a bit, trying not to bump into anyone and failing miserably, trying not to let Rue dominate her thoughts and failing miserably. She sees her sister across the room, and she’s about to go after her when she realizes that Cass is leading Daniel by the hand and they’re going upstairs and come on, seriously?

Lexi navigates back to her safe haven couch and slumps onto it. For the first time in like, _ever_, she’s actually tempted to partake in the wide selection of alcohol she knows is available somewhere in the house. She’s never wanted to get drunk before, never thought it was “cool” like everyone else, probably because of her mom. But she knows about how drinking can supposedly make you forget what happened that night and she can’t help but think that would be really useful right about now.

But she can’t make herself do it. It’s just not worth it. 

She’s not usually one to wallow in self-pity, but apparently tonight seems to be becoming the exception for a lot of things. So she just lays there, looking around at everyone but not really paying attention to anything, and wondering if it’s safe for her to walk home alone right now or if she needs to wait in this hellhole for someone to go with her. She tries to recall the amazingly good mood she’d been in at the start of the week or even the start of today, but it’s like mist, swirling away from her fingers every time she tries to grasp it.

What feels like hours later, she spots Rue making her way through the house from outside. Her costume is soaked, she’s in tears, and she’s grabbing at her bowtie like it’s choking her. She looks right on the verge of an anxiety attack. Jumbled, confused thoughts or no, if there’s one thing Lexi’s certain of, it’s that she’ll always want to help Rue, so she leaps up from the couch and starts trying to track Rue through the crowd of people.

And that’s when she sees McKay open the door and slip in. He’s straining his neck, trying to see over all the heads, and obviously looking for Cassie. He starts heading up the stairs, and Lexi wants to rip her fake fucking afro off her head and burn it because _really, can she please catch a fucking break tonight?_ Why is it always her who has to clean up this shit?

She wants to help Rue through her anxiety attack, wants it more than anything, but her sister is about to be caught cheating or something by her boyfriend unless she can distract him. It’s an impossible choice, and she has about two seconds to make it.

She groans and turns to follow McKay upstairs.

She’s just in time, too. Lexi doesn’t know what room Cassie and Daniel are in, but McKay’s about to knock on one of them, so she calls out, “McKay! Hey!”

He turns in surprise, and gives her a sweet smile. “Hey, Lexi,” he says. “Listen, have you seen Cassie?”

“Oh, yeah, she went home a little while ago,” Lexi tells him regretfully. “She really wasn’t feeling good and she just wanted to get to sleep.”

“Oh. Well, could you just ask her to text me when you get the chance?”

“Sure, no problem.”

“Thanks, Lexi.” He heads back down the stairs, but turns back halfway down to gesture at her costume. “Bob Ross, huh? Nice.”

It’s the most appreciated she’s felt all night.

As McKay leaves, Lexi sees Rue walking quickly towards the door not too far behind him. Her cheeks are tear-stained, and she’s still breathing heavy.

“Rue?” Lexi calls. The other girl doesn’t respond. “Rue?”

Lexi rushes to catch up with her. She feels terrible. Maybe if she had been there for Rue during her anxiety attack…

She reaches Rue when they get out to the front stoop. “Rue?” she says again. “What happened? Are you okay?”

Rue finally stops and faces her, and her eyes are wandering everywhere but Lexi’s face. She looks _wrecked_. “Um, I’m a burden,” she mutters.

“What?”

“Yeah. Um, I’m sor – I’m just – I’m a burden, and it is what it is, and it’s embarrassing and it’s stupid but, um, it’s true, so, I’m sorry.” She forces all that out in one breath and she keeps shrugging, like she’s trying hard to play it off and seem nonchalant even though it’s obvious she’s breaking down.

And Lexi doesn’t care about the confusing feelings she’s still trying to wrestle, doesn’t care that Rue is sopping wet, doesn’t care about anything besides the fact that her best friend needs reassurance. So she steps forward and wraps Rue in the gentlest hug she thinks she’s ever given, and the other girl clings to her like she’s drowning and Lexi’s her life preserver.

“Don’t say that, Rue-Rue,” Lexi says softly. “You’re not a burden.”

Rue doesn’t respond, just buries her head in Lexi’s neck and sniffles.

Lexi holds her a while longer. Eventually, when Rue stops sniffling and just sighs into her neck, Lexi gives her one more tight squeeze and pulls away. Rue looks up at her, cheeks stained and eyes shining with tears.

She gives a pitiful attempt at a smile. “Sorry, Lex,” she says. “Didn’t mean to ruin your costume.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Lexi says. “I got these from Goodwill literally today just for this, I’m probably never going to wear any of it again.”

“Yeah, but –“

“Rue, really, it’s not a big deal,” Lexi assures her. “I’m the one who hugged you, you dork.” That gets Rue to laugh, and Lexi smiles. “Seriously, don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” Rue says, and the mood turns serious again.

“Listen, I think… I think we should probably go home,” Lexi says quietly. “Do you know where Jules went?”

“Uhh, I –“ Rue starts.

“Rue!” The overly cheerful voice interrupts her, and Jules wobbles outside. “There you are!”

Lexi groans internally.

“What are you guys doing out here?” Jules asks.

Lexi looks at Rue. “I think we’re gonna head out, Jules,” Lexi says.

“Nooo,” Jules says petulantly. “No, nooo, it’s just ‘cause you’re not dancing with meee.” She hugs Rue, practically draping herself over the other girl, who just stands stiff as a board.

“That’s not it, Jules,” Rue mumbles.

“Jules, you’re soaking wet and really drunk,” Lexi says, rapidly losing patience with her.

“You’re… dry, and dressed like Bob Ross,” Jules throws back at her, like either of those are an insult.

Lexi tries not to roll her eyes. “Okay, I think we’re gonna go.”

“Ugh, why is everyone in this town so _fucking boring_?” Jules complains.

“Um, do you want to come with us, Jules?” Rue offers.

“Nope.”

“Okay, well how are you going to get home?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t care.” With that, Jules spins around and floats back into the house.

Quite frankly, Lexi’s more than ready to just wash her hands of all this and go home. “Come on, let’s go,” she tells Rue.

“I can’t,” Rue says, full of self-loathing. She stares miserably back into the house. “I can’t fucking leave her.”

Lexi closes her eyes in defeat, but nods. She’d honestly been expecting that. “Okay.” She gestures for Rue to lead them back into the party.

“Lex, you don’t have to –“

“I know,” she cuts Rue off. She motions back towards the house. “After you, Bennett.”

Rue gives her a sad smile and they both return to the party, quickly seeking out Jules at the alcohol counter.

They’ve only been there a little while when a wave of excitement sweeps through the crowd, and people begin cheering. They look around, confused, until the source becomes apparent.

Nate Jacobs and Maddy are making their way through the party together, Nate fittingly dressed in a black-and-white striped prisoner’s jumpsuit and Maddy in a short pink dress. People are clapping him on the back as he passes, heading for the counter across from where Rue, Jules, and Lexi are standing.

Lexi watches them carefully, and notices that Jules is staring at Nate with some strange expression on her face. Rue’s seen it too, and she must have inside information that Lexi doesn’t, because she can practically see the gears turning in Rue’s head as she works to put some imaginary puzzle together. The air feels tense and awkward, and Lexi’s really wishing she’d just gone home already.

Nate’s arrival seems to suck all of Jules’ enthusiasm for the party right out of her. Just minutes after he shows up, she grabs both Rue and Lexi by the hand. “Let’s go home, I’m tired,” she says.

Rue and Lexi share a look behind her back, and Lexi just shrugs as they follow her out. 

Now she remembers why she doesn’t go to parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you cannot convince me Rue and Lexi wouldn't have totally done MJ/Elvis Halloween costumes and rocked it


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mystery waxes, and our favorite Howard sister's self-discipline wanes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some long but important notes here before we start, please read all of this.
> 
> So, if you've watched the show (which hopefully everyone reading this has, obviously), you'll know that the show's timeline is intentionally inconsistent. It does a great job of adding to the abstract vibe of the whole thing, and it's really cool. However, for someone trying to write a fic with a cohesive, mostly linear narrative that spans the entire time period over which the show takes place, rather than simply jumping into the story at certain points, it can be very frustrating and inconvenient. Which is why I want to say 2 things here:
> 
> 1\. I'm making this shit up as I go along here, folks. I've been doing this for the whole fic, but it's going to become really obvious in this chapter and the next (which will be the last, by the way) because of how disjointed the timeline gets in episodes 7 and 8. Things just plain don't line up. But hey, what is fanfic without a little artistic license, amirite? I'm restructuring the timeline to fit my own headcanons in a way that also can (sort of) line up with what the show does. Basically, Rue is depressed and doesn't leave her room for Saturday and Sunday after the party, then has her manic episode and goes to school and Fez's house on Monday, before falling back into depression and not leaving her room for the rest of the week (leading to the kidney infection).
> 
> 2\. The detective scene, while amazing, is another example of that abstract shit the show loves to do. Obviously, Rue and Lexi werne't showing up to school in detective costumes and skipping all their classes to talk about their case. I tried to present the detective sequence in a way that made sense and was realistic, but also paid justice to the original scene because it's so fucking awesome. Basically, the sequence in the show is from Rue's POV, so I think it's funny (and reasonable) to assume that she's imagining them both dressed up like detectives all day in her head and keeps pulling Lexi aside at every break they have to talk at her about Jules and Nate.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read all this, I just wanted to throw this shit out there because it might have been confusing otherwise, and I didn't want anyone to get pulled out of the story trying to think about how it lines up with the show and all that. Without further ado, enjoy this penultimate chapter!

Lexi’s resolve is slipping.

The Halloween party was like the first swing of a hammer, delivering a swift strike on the glass box she’d used to confine her feelings for Rue, and now there are cracks starting to spider across it. Her resigned acceptance of her situation is beginning to fade, because now all she can think about is how close she was to kissing Rue at the party… and how badly she’d wanted to. It monopolizes her thoughts the whole weekend after the party, keeps her up at night and makes restless what little sleep she does get.

She doesn’t hear from Rue at all over the weekend. She loses track of how many times she considers texting her, only to lose her nerve at the last moment. She repeatedly picks up her phone and opens her messages – sometimes she even types one out, ready to send – before shaking her head, locking her phone, and setting it back on her bedside table.

It's a sad cycle that repeats every few minutes.

She only leaves her room for meals and to pee. The rest of the weekend Lexi spends brainstorming how to deal with this latest shitstorm. Despite all her efforts, she can’t really come up with anything helpful.

Several times, she actually considers opening up to Cassie on everything and asking her for advice. But ever since the party, her sister seems preoccupied, even distant. Lexi wonders what all went down with Daniel on Halloween, if they really went all the way… _yikes_. Plus, it didn’t help that her bad mood about the whole situation with Rue caused her to lose her cool with Cass and snap a resentful response at her about how perfect she is, so things aren’t exactly fine and dandy between the Howard siblings right now.

School on Monday is weird. She expects it to feel like a regression, full of tension between her and Rue and Jules, but instead it’s just… hectic.

Because the universe apparently hates Lexi, the object of her troubled thoughts is waiting in front of Cassie’s parking spot when they pull up. She’s in jeans and a plain white crop top under her hoodie, leaning against a light pole. An unlit cigarette dangles between her lips. Lexi sighs.

“What’s up with her?” Cassie asks.

“No idea,” Lexi says, shrugging.

They climb out of the car. “Hey, Rue,” Cassie greets.

Rue nods gruffly. “Morning.”

Cassie walks off to meet her friends. Lexi waits while Rue pulls a lighter – no, that’s a box of actual _matches_ – from her pocket, strikes one to light it, and holds it to her cigarette.

Lexi sighs again. “Rue, are you really –“

“Yep.” Rue exhales a lungful of smoke. “Howard, let’s roll.” She pushes off from the pole with her leg and begins striding towards the school. Lexi has to speed-walk to keep pace with her.

“Help me out here, partner,” Rue says as they walk. “I need someone to bounce ideas off of.”

“Um, okaaay,” Lexi says. She tries to put aside her inner turmoil from the past few days and return to the somewhat stable state of calm she had before. “What’s the deal, Bennett?”

“Well, Howard, allow me to catch you up,” Rue says. “So… on Friday afternoon, Tyler Clarkson was booked for the assault of Maddy Perez… you know, the one that got Nate suspended. That same night, Nate shows up at the Halloween party lookin’ all smug, and Jules is glaring daggers at him the whole time, and suddenly as soon as he gets there she wants to leave even though we tried like, five fucking minutes earlier to get her to leave and she didn’t want to.”

“Okay, so… ?”

“_So_, this shit isn’t adding up. But the pieces of the puzzle are all right here, and I just gotta put ‘em together. I’m not gonna stop until I find the truth.”

They walk into first period together and stand in the back. Nate and Maddy are sitting up front, and Rue stares angrily at the back of Nate’s head. There’s so much heat in her gaze Lexi’s honestly surprised his hair doesn’t burst into flames.

“You think Jules had something to do with whatever happened with Nate and Maddy and Tyler?” Lexi asks, looking for clarification.

“I know it,” Rue answers. “I’ve never seen her drink, but you saw how she was on Friday. She was so upset she just tried to get, like, blackout drunk as quickly as possible. Then she didn’t text me all weekend, _and_ she’s not at school today.”

“But why would Jules lie to help Nate?”

“I don’t know yet, that’s the whole fucking point.”

“Well, have you asked her about it?”

“No. I just said I hadn’t talked to her.”

“…Doesn’t that seem like the most logical place to start?”

Rue finally turns her gaze from Nate and looks seriously at Lexi. “Honestly, Howard,” she says gravely, “this whole thing is beyond logic.”

The bell rings, and the teacher tells everyone to sit down.

“We’ll pick this up later,” Rue says.

During the class, Lexi tries her best to focus on the lesson, she really does, but there are so many thoughts swirling around her head that it’s just hopeless. She finds herself anxiously checking the clock every few minutes. Finally, the bell rings, and the class is dismissed. Lexi’s barely stood from her seat before Rue grabs her arm and pulls her out into the hall, dragging her to the nearest girls’ bathroom.

When the door closes behind them, Rue sits on the edge of one of the sinks. “The only explanation,” she says, continuing right back into detective mode as if first period hadn’t ever happened, “is that Jules is in love with Nate.” 

Lexi squints in confusion. “I don’t follow. Why would Jules be in love with Nate?”

Rue takes another match out of her pocket matchbox and lights another cigarette. She takes a big draw and breathes it out right as she stands and paces past Lexi. “Hear me out, okay, just –“

“Bennett, the cigarettes are killing me,” Lexi interrupts, walking away from her to try to escape the cloud of smoky air.

“Come on, just listen, listen,” Rue pleads as she follows. “Listen, okay? Right around the time of the carnival, she said she wanted to meet up with this guy she met online. He’s some popular jock or some shit, from a conservative family, and they were talking, and texting… They were texting for _weeks_, Howard. And I don’t just mean regular fucking texting.” She pauses, presumably for dramatic effect, and despite the serious investigation that’s unfolding here, Lexi wants to roll her eyes at Rue’s antics. “…They were sexting.”

“What, like… nudes?” Lexi asks. Rue puts out her cigarette in the sink and lights another one. Lexi almost gags, but she can’t tell if it’s because of the smoke or the idea of Jules sending nudes to some stranger on the internet.

Rue nods. “Side note – very nice dick, very clean room.”

“Thanks, Bennett, definitely did not need to know that.”

“Whatever. Look, the point is, she never fucking saw his face.”

“Okay, so Jules got catfished…”

“No no no, just hear me out… so the night of the carnival, she made plans with this dude to meet up with him at the lake afterwards. So I take Gia home, and I’m lying in bed trying to sleep cuz I’m fuckin’ tired, and next thing I know” – Rue knocks on the wall next to Lexi’s head – “she’s fuckin’ knocking at my window. She’s all emotional, she’s got fuckin’ tears in her eyes… I go, ‘Jules? What the fuck happened?’ She tells me…” Rue tilts her head to the side and a miserable look comes over her face, and she says, in her best Jules impression: “’He didn’t look like his picture.’” Then she spreads her arms out to the side, palms up, like, _See?_

Lexi doesn’t see the point of that long-winded explanation, because she already guessed where this was going. “Yeah, that’s like, the definition of catfishing…” she says, a little facetiously.

“No but here’s the kicker. You know what his name was?”

“Just going out on a limb here… Nate Jacobs?” Lexi guesses.

Rue shakes her head. “Tyler,” she says.

Oh. _Oh. OH_. …_Shit_. “Like… Tyler Clarkson?”

And suddenly, it seems like Rue’s crackpot theory might not be so crazy after all.

Rue jabs her cigarette in Lexi’s direction and nods. “You’re goddamn right.”

Class time interrupts them again, and they have to separate again until lunch. Lexi walks into the cafeteria and finds Rue at their usual table. She’s sitting on top of it and once again glaring fiercely at Nate and Maddy, who are surrounded by a crowd of people apparently eager to hear the latest drama now that Nate’s back. Lexi walks up and joins her.

“So this is what I’m thinking,” Rue says. “Tyler’s 22, Maddy’s 17… and they fornicated.”

“It’s statutory,” Lexi realizes.

“Yeah. I saw it, Jules saw it, everybody at McKay’s party fucking saw it.”

“…Including Nate,” Lexi fills in.

“Exactly. And what’s a lighter offense than statutory?”

Lexi sighs and closes her eyes in defeat. “Assault.”

“Bingo, Howard. See? I told you you shouldn’t doubt me.”

It gives Lexi a lot to think about for the rest of the afternoon. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have too much time to dwell on it, because to make matters worse, Cassie calls some kind of impromptu friend group meeting at their house after school. 

Lexi, Maddy, Kat, BB, and Cassie all sit around the dining room table. Lexi doesn’t know what’s going on, but the atmosphere seems pretty tense. Cassie tells them all about what happened with Daniel the night of the Halloween party, and asks their advice about whether she should confess it to McKay.

Everyone has different opinions about it. While they each present their advice, starting with Maddy, Lexi sighs to herself. She feels a little guilty, because she saw Cassie and Daniel at the party and correctly guessed what was going to happen while doing nothing to discourage her sister from making that mistake. But ultimately it was Cassie’s choice, and Lexi feels like she should own up to it to McKay if she wants to hold on to their relationship.

After only a few short minutes of back-and-forth debate, the discussion devolves into a full-on shouting match between Maddy and Kat. Maddy says something particularly nasty, and Kat just sits there for a second, seemingly stunned. Then she gets up, grabs her purse, and walks out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

Lexi’s pretty sure she heard a sniffle right before it shut.

All of this is way too much drama for one day, Lexi decides. She excuses herself from the “meeting,” which is now pretty much disbanded anyway, and heads upstairs to her room.

It’s only later, when she and Cassie are both getting ready for bed, that she remembers how Cassie had introduced the meeting. “Hey, Cass?” she says. “You said there were two things you wanted to talk about… what was the other thing?”

A weird expression crosses Cassie’s face, a mix of fear and shame and indecision, before she schools it into blankness. “Oh, um, it was nothing,” she obviously lies. “Don’t worry about it, Lex. Just go to bed.”

“Oh,” Lexi says. “Uh, okay. Night, Cass.” She’s a little disappointed Cassie won’t talk to her, but she recognizes how hypocritical that is, so she lets it go.

“Night, Lex.”

Lexi dreams that Rue is in her bed, and it’s one of those weird ones where it feels like she’s woken up even though it’s still the dream. Lexi’s arms are wrapped around Rue from behind while her best friend curls up against her chest.

Rue rolls over, and they’re so close their noses are almost touching. “I wish you didn’t smell like lavender and peaches,” Dream-Rue whispers.

“Yeah, me too,” Lexi thinks she responds. She leans forward and kisses Rue. Her lips are so soft moving against Lexi’s, and she thinks it’s the best feeling she’s ever felt. Her hand comes up to rest on Rue’s cheek as the kiss deepens.

Rue rolls them both over this time so that she’s hovering over top of Lexi with her elbows bracing her up on either side of Lexi’s head. Lexi is suddenly breathless. “I want you,” she says.

“I want you too, Lex,” says Rue. Their lips meet again, and her hand starts to reach down towards the waistband of Lexi’s pajama pants.

Lexi’s ringtone starts blaring. “I should… probably get that,” Lexi gasps out.

“Just leave it,” Rue says, moving to kiss down her neck. She starts pulling Lexi’s shirt up over –

Lexi wakes with a gasp to find that her cell phone really is ringing. And of course, it’s Rue. She groans and rubs at her eyes, trying to shake off the horny haze and guilt of her shameful dream, without much success. She picks up the phone.

“Howard, it’s Bennett,” comes Rue’s voice, not sounding the slightest bit tired.

Lexi’s not so lucky. “It’s 2:45 in the morning, don’t you ever sleep?” she mumbles, hoping Cassie doesn’t wake up.

Rue launches into another continuation of her explanation of the Jules case, but Lexi is so tired she keeps zoning out every few words and forgetting what she just heard. An indeterminate amount of time later, she startles back into some semblance of alertness when Rue yells, “Hey, mom! I’m a fucking genius!”

Lexi sighs. She just really doesn’t have the strength to deal with Rue right now. “Can I be honest with you, Bennett?” she says tiredly. “You’re too close to this case.”

She hangs up.

“Who was that?” Cassie asks. Well, shit. So much for not waking her up.

“Rue,” Lexi says, trying to get settled back into her covers.

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. I think she’s having some sort of… manic episode.”

“Is she okay?”

“I don’t know.” She pushes it to the back of her mind and goes back to sleep, a <strike>not so</strike> small part of her hoping to fall back into her previous dream.

Rue doesn’t show up to school for the rest of the week. Neither does Jules.


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexi attends the Winter Formal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, I'm sorry this took me so long. College got incredibly busy, and the ideas just weren't coming. But fortunately, I was able to get kinda back into the groove here at the start of Winter Break and crank this final chapter out for you. Hope you enjoy :)

Lexi figures something bad has happened when Leslie Bennett’s caller ID shows up on their home phone.

She’s always loved Rue’s mom. She knows she owes a lot to her. She was always kind and nurturing to Lexi through her childhood in a way that her own mother never really was with her. She always kept her home open to Lexi, even after her friendship with Rue became a casualty of her addiction.

As far as casualties of Rue’s addiction, though, Leslie Bennett is without a doubt the one who has suffered the most. It’s been horrible for Lexi and she hasn’t even really been able to be a part of Rue’s life… she can’t even imagine what Mrs. Bennett has had to endure. She feels terrible for her.

But right now she feels terrible for a whole other reason. Leslie’s sweet voice tells Lexi (with abnormal calm masking a profoundly exhausted worry and sadness) that Rue has just been admitted to the hospital for a kidney infection.

She knows it’s probably stupid, but she can’t help but think it’s kind of her fault. She should’ve tried harder to reach out to Rue during the almost full week of school she missed, instead of just sending a few concerned texts and letting herself believe Gia’s excuse that “Rue has the flu” the one time she knocked on their door to ask about her. She should’ve done more when she was with Rue at school on Monday. She even should’ve tried harder to get Rue to leave the Halloween party without Jules. Hell, she should’ve tried harder to get Rue to leave the party _with_ Jules.

She doesn’t know for certain what happened the weekend after the party or the rest of the week that Rue missed, but she does have some guesses. Lexi is sadly familiar with Rue’s history of issues with depression and anxiety, and it was incredibly obvious how upset she was on Halloween. She had a damn panic attack, for God’s sake! 

Maybe Jules is in love with Nate, maybe he blackmailed her, Lexi isn’t sure. But she knows that _something_ is going on between Jules and Nate and Maddy, and whatever it is that happened has had Rue deep in her own head.

Lexi has dealt with Rue’s struggles in the past. She knows that the stretches of manic purpose and single-minded determination are usually bookended by highly depressive stretches and vice versa. Based on the manic episode she was privy to at school on Monday, she thinks it’s a pretty safe guess that she didn’t hear from Rue before or after Monday because she was locked in her room the whole time and too depressed to even get up to check her phone.

Her guess is confirmed (though she feels no satisfaction in it) when she talks to Rue’s mom at the hospital. She’d debated with herself for a while about even going at all, but she remembered how guilty she felt about wimping out on visiting Rue during her coma, and she can’t do that again. She’d eventually asked Cassie to drive her to the hospital, and she readily agreed. She drops Lexi off at the front entrance, then goes to run some errands while she waits for Lexi to finish her visit. Mrs. Bennett had given her the room number on the phone (214), so she heads to the elevator and jabs the button for the second floor.

She’s never had the courage to visit Rue in the hospital before, and she never would have expected that a kidney infection would be the catalyst to cause it. It’s a… rather positive surprise, to be honest. Although obviously a hospital stay for a kidney infection is not really very positive, it’s definitely better than the more likely alternative Lexi had long feared would lead to this: another overdose, where the very real danger that Rue might not make it would put Lexi in a position where she wouldn’t be able to stay away. The way things were going for a while, it seemed inevitable.

Then again, it might still be. Even with the progress Rue has made, Lexi is all too aware of the fragile tightrope her best friend is walking right now. Which is a problem, because she doesn’t think _Rue_ has become aware of it yet. Lexi can feel the dark cloud of the threat of relapse hanging over her head every day, and the worst part is that she can’t do anything but pray Rue finds the strength to keep going down the path she’s on… and that she’ll accept the help of those who want to guide her through it.

Lexi would carry Rue down it all on her own if she didn’t already know that was impossible. The choice is all Rue’s, and that bitter fact is really the brunt of what’s been killing Lexi lately.

The elevator doors open to reveal the pristine hospital corridor, where Leslie Bennett is talking to a nurse outside of Rue’s room. She must hear the _ding_ of the elevator’s arrival, because she turns and meets Lexi’s eyes. She smiles softly, one that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She excuses herself from the nurse and meets Lexi halfway down the corridor.

“Hi, Lexi, honey,” she says warmly. “I’m so glad you’re here.” She wraps Lexi in a comforting hug.

“Hi, Mrs. Bennett,” Lexi says. Her voice comes out unexpectedly hoarse. “Um… is Rue okay?”

Leslie’s smile is pained and clearly exhausted. “She’s alright,” she says. “It’s just a minor kidney infection.” Lexi’s not sure if there’s such a thing as a “minor” kidney infection, but… if Leslie is trying to make her feel better, she’s not inclined to dispel that illusion. “She’s been in a lot of pain, but she’s okay.”

“Can I… can I go in?”

“Of course, Lexi. Just, um… she’s asleep right now. And she probably will be for the rest of the day.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry, honey. Like I said, it’s been really painful for her, and we can’t exactly give her the same amount of strong pain medication the doctors would typically prescribe in this type of situation… we all thought it would just be best to sedate her for a while until the pain is a bit more manageable.”

“Oh, I see.” Lexi’s heart aches for Rue. The world doesn’t seem to want to let the poor girl up onto her feet.

Leslie leads her down the hall to Rue’s room. She waits just outside and resumes her conversation with the nurse as Lexi slowly approaches Rue’s bed. Gia is on the couch on the other side of the room, fast asleep as well.

Rue looks terrible. Her normally-glowing caramel skin is duller than Lexi’s ever seen it, and the skin around her closed eyes is dark and sunken. Her hair is splayed across the pillow, wild and ratty, like it hasn’t been washed in days. Her lips – Lexi is definitely not thinking of her treasured memory of their softness – are chapped and pale. She looks terrible, but there’s still a certain peace and tranquility to her form in sleep. For the moment, she is temporarily suspended; she is free of all the burdens she carries in wakefulness, free of her addiction and her pain and her struggles. 

She looks terrible, but Lexi’s never loved her more. Her heart lurches as she thinks about everything she’s gone through in the past few months, and she just wants to crawl into that tiny hospital bed and wrap her arms around Rue’s slight frame.

She doesn’t. She can’t, for so many reasons, so she doesn’t.

Instead, she quietly moves to the chair right next to the bed, trying not to wake Gia. She settles into the cushion and sighs softly.

Rue’s hand is just lying there on top of the bedsheet, and Lexi can’t help herself. She reaches out and slips it between her own, smoothing her thumb over the back of Rue’s hand in gentle strokes. Rue doesn’t stir.

Lexi spends almost the whole afternoon there, tenderly rubbing Rue’s hand and whispering to her in one-sided conversation. When Leslie comes in, her eyes flick down to their joined hands. She doesn’t comment, just smiles a genuine smile at Lexi and sits down next to where Gia is still napping.

Finally, Lexi’s phone buzzes in her pocket and breaks the spell.

**Cassie: done with errands, almost back at the hospital**

**Cassie: meet me at the front**

She wants to stay, wants to keep spending time with Rue (even if she is unconscious), but she doesn’t want to push it. If she’s honest, the truth is that she doesn’t want to be here when Rue wakes. She doesn’t want to face that music, so she does what she does best and runs away from it.

She gives Rue’s hand a final gentle squeeze and rises quietly from her chair. She waves a silent goodbye to Rue’s mom, then slips out of the room and back down the hall to the elevator.

Lexi has to wait a few minutes for Cassie to arrive with the car and pull up under the front veranda. She wordlessly opens the door and climbs into the passenger seat. The air in the car is charged with… something, Lexi’s not entirely sure what, but it isn’t comfortable. Cassie is as deep in her own head as Lexi, and once again, she wonders if she should just give in and share with her sister everything that’s been going on with Rue. She’s aware that talking about it with someone might actually make her feel better about everything, and in turn, it might make Cassie more willing to share what she’s dealing with.

As it turns out, though, she doesn’t need to worry about that last part. While she’s still trying to make a decision, Cassie breaks the silence.

“Hey, Lex?” she asks. She is usually so confident and sure of herself, but right now her voice is uncharacteristically timid. “Um, can I talk to you about something?”

“Yeah, of course, Cass,” Lexi says. “What is it?”

“Please – please don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

With each plea for reassurance, Lexi grows more and more uncertain. It seems like whatever is bothering Cassie is more serious than Lexi first imagined. She finds herself anxious to know, to help ease her sister’s burden if she can. She’s worried, but when she answers, her words are strong and sure.

“I promise.”

Cassie starts muttering briefly under her breath, trying to psych herself up. Her hands tighten their grip on the steering wheel. “Okay… so, um…”

“Cassie, I’m not going to judge you, I –“

“I’m pregnant.”

Lexi’s mouth drops open. Of all the things she expected Cassie to drop on her, a pregnancy bomb was absolutely not on the list. “A-are you sure?” she asks, because she can’t think of anything else to say.

“Yeah, Lex, I peed on like six tests, I’m pretty fucking sure.”

“I’m sorry, I – it’s just – wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you… are you okay?”

Cassie takes a deep, shaky breath. “I… don’t know.”

Lexi reaches out a hand, and her sister takes one hand off the wheel to link with hers. Lexi squeezes gently. “Do you know what you’re gonna do?” she asks tentatively.

“Well, I can’t keep it, Lex,” says Cassie. “We both know that.”

“Just because it's the only choice doesn't make it an easy choice,” Lexi says softly.

Cassie sniffs and wipes her eye. Lexi pretends not to notice. 

“No,” Cassie says. “No, it doesn’t.”

* * *

Cassie gets her abortion the very next day. They all three of them go together, because as much as they squabble and argue and sometimes resent each other, Lexi loves her family. She would never wish it on Cassie to have to deal with something like this, and she wants to do everything she can to support her through it.

She tries not to think about how the over-white, sterilized room reminds her of another room in a hospital across the town. She tries not to think about the girl in that hospital room; whether her infection has somehow gotten worse, whether she’s still in pain, whether she’s reconciled with Jules.

It’s futile, though. She doesn’t want to dwell on the reason they’re at the clinic, so Lexi lets her thoughts wander, and as always, they inevitably jump straight to Rue.

The abortion goes as smoothly as possible. The whole Howard family is unnaturally quiet afterwards, in the car and even once they get back home. There’s a somber mood draped across them like a blanket, weighing down their shoulders. Lexi goes up to her room and just flops down on her bed, staring listlessly up at the ceiling and shutting her brain down for once.

She doesn’t want to go to school on Monday. Cassie is staying home, and Suze tells Lexi she can skip too, if she wants. But it doesn’t take her long to decide to go anyway, because as reluctant as she is to go to school, she’s even less inclined to stay at home with too much time to think.

Lexi throws herself into schoolwork with single-minded determination. It’s a welcome distraction from everything that’s gone on over the past few weeks, especially now that Jules is back at school.

Rue isn’t. She’s still recovering from her infection. Lexi can pinpoint the center of her chest that aches from missing her.

Without Rue there to moderate, her interactions with Jules are – at least on Lexi’s end – strained. They just don’t have much in common besides Rue, and besides, her opinion of Jules has been steadily declining since before Halloween. 

But Jules seems different. She seems happier now, more certain of her place in the world and in the school, though there’s still some tension between her and Nate roiling beneath the surface. Lexi hasn’t seen her in over a week, because she had “the flu” and didn’t come to school, and she wonders what could have possibly happened to her in that time to cause this kind of change.

She can’t bring herself to ask, though. Mostly because when Rue comes back a few days later, the two seem closer than ever. She draws the natural conclusion that whatever has led to Jules’ happiness has something to do with Rue, and that makes her too scared to inquire about it.

It doesn’t take long, though – only about a week – before she realizes that things still aren’t as peachy between Rue and Jules as Lexi had initially perceived. In fact, she realizes that it seems like the whole nature of their relationship has shifted.

Where before, Rue was throwing herself into their relationship with reckless abandon, and Lexi got the sense that Jules was a bit hesitant to commit to getting in too deep. Now, though, Lexi notices that dynamic has reversed entirely.

Like Lexi had noticed before, it seems like Jules’ confidence and exuberance is no longer a façade. She seems genuinely more comfortable in her own skin and around others (including Rue and Lexi), and her eyes shine every time she looks at Rue. But on a similar front, those vibes of hesitancy that Lexi was getting from Jules a couple of weeks ago, she’s now getting those from Rue. 

She’s beginning to be more withdrawn than usual, not just from Jules but Lexi, too. She still goes out together with them after school and on the weekends, but she’s even quieter than she normally is. It’s unsettling for Lexi. She’s not accustomed to seeing Rue uncertain. She’s used to the version of Rue who doesn’t give a shit what anybody thinks of her, not this new Rue that is almost as timid as Lexi herself and really only adds to any conversations when she’s directly addressed.

After a few more weeks, though, Lexi starts to wonder if it’s actually a positive change. She has an epiphany one night in the shower (yes, she was thinking about Rue while she was showering… so what? Those things are totally unrelated). She’s thinking about Rue’s behavior over the years, and all the changes she’s gone through since the start of the school year. All the progress she’s made and the setbacks she’s had. She remembers when they were kids, how part of the reason they’d gravitated together was because, at the end of the day, they were both shy. They found comfort in each other’s awkwardness and uncertainty. Those memories are so old, though, that Lexi realizes they’d been buried underneath the shadow of the person Rue became when her dad got sick. 

That was when everything changed. That was when she started using, and things went totally downhill.

Lexi thinks about Rue’s addiction, and how after just a few short years, her best friend had become almost completely unrecognizable to her. She realizes now that Rue had been forced to build up that front of apathy, of indifference, as a survival instinct. She probably felt like the whole world, including her own family, was constantly judging her and judging her and deeming her unworthy, so she had to convince herself that she didn’t care just so she could stay sane.

Now, though, she’s been sober for a couple months, and that veneer of indifference is finally falling away. Lexi thinks that’s a positive thing. It means that, hopefully, Rue is finally once again thinking about how she makes other people feel. And if she’s thinking about that, then it’s not a far step to hope that, before long, she’ll start to consider the direct effects that her destructive actions have on the people who care about her… and – perhaps most importantly – that there _are_ people who care about her, who love her. 

Lexi thinks it’ll probably be a lot longer before Rue’s convinced she’s deserving of that love, but hey. Baby steps, right? Slow progress is still progress, after all, and Lexi is committed to be there for her every step of the way. Even if Rue isn’t necessarily aware of her continued devotion.

Before they know it, Winter Break is already right around the corner. Of course, that also means the Winter Formal is also coming up, the dance that’s held the Saturday night after their last day of school before break. Lexi isn’t exactly looking forward to it. Dances, like parties, have never really been her scene – the only difference being that, unlike parties, she actually usually lets Cassie, Maddy, and Kat drag her along to the dances (dateless). She doesn’t usually put too much effort into getting all dolled up, but she knows Cassie enjoys doing her best to make her look attractive for these things, so she’s fine letting her sister have her fun.

But as they enter the week of the formal, and the buzz around the school starts to pick up as students gossip about their outfits and their dates and the excitement for their vacations over the holiday break, Cassie asks Lexi what her plans are for the night of the dance. It’s Monday, and they’re sitting at lunch with Maddy and Kat.

Lexi shrugs. “I don’t know,” she says. “I hadn’t really thought about it. It’s not like I have a date.”

“Neither do any of us,” Maddy says, wearing a proud smirk and shrugging. Cassie and Kat chuckle. “We’re all going together. You should come with. You need to let loose a little, bitch.”

It’s surprising that Lexi doesn’t actually find the idea all that repulsive. With Cassie and Maddy having both – rightfully – ditched their no-good boyfriends (at least she hopes Maddy is done with Nate for good), it might actually be a fun girl’s night. 

Besides, everything with Rue and Jules and Lexi’s feelings which has all come to a head this fall have pushed Lexi pretty much to her breaking point. She really does need a night where she can just put it all out of her head.

“Okay,” she agrees easily, to the delight of the other girls.  
  
They smile at her, and Cassie actually looks a little proud. “We’ll go shopping after school, Lex,” she says. “You’re gonna look like a knockout.”

Cassie is true to her word. Once the last bell on Friday heralds the start of Winter Break, the two sisters skip out of the school, giggling. Cassie drives them to the East Highland Mall. It’s decently busy – for late afternoon on a Friday – but they find a parking spot on the end near one of the department stores easily enough.

Lexi trails Cassie into the store. Her sister is laser-focused, honing right in on the section where there are a number of semi-formal dresses hanging on display and dragging her along by their linked hands. 

It’s all just a little bit intimidating. Again, Lexi’s never really been one for the kind of grand fashion statements Cassie’s always loved, and the amount of sparkles and sequins and velvety soft fabric surrounding her right now is frankly overwhelming.

But Cassie’s enthusiasm is infectious, and Lexi soon finds herself cracking a smile as she watches her sister flip through the racks of dresses for the perfect fit.

“Oh, yes,” Cassie practically purrs. “Here we go. Lex, c’mere.”

Curious, Lexi approaches the rack where her sister is standing and reaching back for a dress. When she sees it, her eyes go wide.

Cassie’s pulled out a gorgeous understated number, knee-length and silky, with two thin spaghetti straps. It’s smooth and plain, free of any sparkles or sequins. The color is a deep sapphire.

It’s breathtaking.

Lexi feels a sudden and enormous rush of love for her sister that makes her eyes start to well up. Cassie knows her so well, she’s picked out a dress that perfectly suits Lexi’s style. It’s simple, but elegant and beautiful. For once, she knows she’ll be wearing something that’s sure to turn heads.

She realizes that, tomorrow night, she actually _does_ want to make one of those fashion statements. She wants to have a night where she really feels as beautiful as Cassie always encourages her she is. She wants a night where she can feel confident in her own skin, where she can just be the wild teenager her Mom’s always trying to get her to be. She wants to forget about Rue, and Jules, and Nate, and all the rest of it, and just _have fun_.

As unlikely as she thought that would be, it’s looking like she might actually be able to do it.

Cassie notices her emotion. She just wordlessly steps forward and wraps Lexi in a hug. When they pull apart, she offers a gentle smile and all but shoves the dress into Lexi’s arms. “Go, girl!” she says, motioning towards the fitting rooms and laughing.

Lexi arbitrarily picks one of the empty rooms and shuts and locks the door. She hangs the dress up on a peg and strips. When she’s down to her underwear, she takes the dress off the hangar and holds it in her arms, running her fingers over the material. Then she turns away from the mirror and starts putting in on.

She stays facing away from the mirror while she does it. Maybe it’s a little silly, but she wants it to be a big reveal for herself to see how she looks once she gets it on. As she steps into the dress and slides the spaghetti straps over her shoulders, she runs her hands down the length of the dress to smooth it out. Then she takes a deep breath and turns around.

Her jaw falls open.

The dress is literally_ perfect_. It comes down to just above her knees, so it doesn’t show more leg than she’s comfortable with. It’s tighter than she expected, but it hugs curves she didn’t even think she had in an amazing way. The deep royal blue accentuates her marble skin. All in all, she thinks it’s the most attractive she’s ever felt.

Cassie might actually be onto something here.

She quickly changes back into her school outfit and leaves the fitting room behind. She rushes up to where her sister is standing, browsing through more dresses while she waits. Cassie looks up with a sparkle in her eye when she hears Lexi return.

“So, what do you think?” Cassie asks, a sly grin on her face like she already knows what Lexi’s going to say.

Lexi hugs her again. “It’s perfect, Cass,” she mumbles into her shoulder. “It’s perfect. You’re amazing.”

“Aw, it’s nothing,” Cassie laughs. They separate again, and Cassie pats Lexi on the arm. “Love you, sis.”

“Love you, too, Cass.”

And Lexi can’t help but realize in that moment how much _lighter_ Cassie seems. She can’t even imagine how awful it must have been to have to deal with everything with McKay and the pregnancy – it was awful enough for Lexi, and she was just a spectator. But ever since they went to the clinic and Cassie broke up with McKay, she’s been different.

It’s like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She’s been smiling more, laughing more, and Lexi can honestly say it’s the happiest she’s seen her since their dad left. It’s a good look on her, and seeing her sister this much more hopeful makes her happy, too. She thinks they might be closer now than they’ve ever been.

Really, that applies to their Mom, too. She’s always been more affectionate with Cassie, but lately, all three of them have been leaning on each other more and more. The trauma of Cassie’s predicament somehow managed to bring them together. It was important that she know that she wasn’t alone, and that they would deal with it as a family. Since then, the Howards have been nearly inseparable.

Lexi just hopes it lasts.

She wakes up late Saturday morning – around 11 – and can’t decide if the roiling of her stomach is from excitement or nerves or both. The day passes agonizingly slowly, but eventually, it’s finally time to get ready for the formal. 

The Howards gather in Lexi and Cassie’s room. The two sisters both change into their dresses; the deep sapphire for Lexi, and a similarly simple shimmery pink dress with a neckline fringed with silver for Cassie.

Once they’re dressed, they decide to help Cassie first since she’s decided she’s not going to use that much makeup. She’s turning over a new leaf, going for a much more natural look tonight than she usually wears when she goes out. It doesn’t take long for her and their mom to finish the look. A pair of small silver orb earrings completes it.

It takes them a bit longer with Lexi. She, too, is trying out something new, which in her case is something flashier than she’d normally do. Cassie and Suze sit her down in the chair in front of Cassie’s vanity and set to work.

“Close your eyes,” Cassie instructs her. “I don’t want you to see everything until it’s finished.”

“But what if… what if it’s too much?” Lexi says, uncertain. “What if I change my mind and I don’t like it? Will we have time to take it off and re-do it?”

Cassie smiles softly at her. “Trust me, Lex,” she says. “You’re gonna love it.”

After a moment, Lexi nods. She closes her eyes and sits back, letting Cassie and their mom work their magic. Her mom sets to work on her hair, while Cassie begins applying makeup to her face. As Cassie goes along, Lexi can feel that it’s more than she would normally use, but she listens to her sister and trusts that she knows what she’s doing.

She soon feels Cassie move to work on her eyes. Again, she can tell it’s much more eyeshadow than she would normally use, but she lets Cassie work uninterrupted. 

“Ok, I’m done,” Cassie says after ten or fifteen minutes of careful work. “But don’t look yet.”

Lexi huffs, but obediently keeps her eyes closed.

She feels Cassie slip the choker around her neck and fasten it. Then she feels two more slim chain necklaces come to rest around her neck. Cassie gently brushes Lexi’s hair out of the way and clasps them behind her neck. Finally, there’s a slight prick at each ear as Cassie selects a pair of earrings and puts them on her.

“Alright. Open ‘em up.”

She opens her eyes. All the breath leaves her lungs in a shocked exhale.

When Cassie said she was going to look like a knockout, she hadn’t really believed it. But the image in the mirror that greets her eyes is beyond anything she could have imagined.

She really does look _gorgeous_. Cassie’s done her makeup subtle enough that it makes her pale skin glow with radiance but doesn’t look caked or unnatural. Her lips shine a vibrant red without being garish or overly lurid. A pair of earrings with a chain of tiny light blue orbs dangles from each ear. But the _pièce de resistance_, Cassie’s magnum opus, is Lexi’s eyes.

Her lids are streaked with sparkling color; a shimmering light pink close to her nose, which strengthens into a deep violet as the wings fan out towards the outside of her face. On that side, Cassie’s dotted her lids with glitter and several small silver stars. The striking dark purple emphasizes her skin, while the lighter pink brings out the hazel of her eyes and her dark hair.

For a second, she almost can’t believe the face in the mirror is actually her. But it _is_ her, and she looks _stunning_.

“Wow,” she breathes, trying to find the words and failing. “Cassie, I…”

“Don’t mention it, Lex,” Cassie says with a smile. “I told you you’d be a knockout.”

“Wow,” she says again. She can’t come up with anything else.

She fingers the pendants around her neck. One is a thin gold chain with a small egg-shaped ornament – also gold – that hangs almost to her neckline. The other is an even thinner silver necklace that sits at the base of her throat against her collarbone. There’s a tiny heart charm on it, barely the size of one of her fingernails. She realizes Cassie is wearing a matching one.

Cassie notices her gaze. She brings her hand up to touch the charm and smiles. “I got these for us when I went out the other day,” she admits. “I wanted to surprise you. I don’t know if you can see it, but there’s a small H in the middle of the heart. I got one for Mom, too.”

And just like that, she feels tears prick at her eyes again. She surges out of her chair and throws herself at Cassie, tucking her head into her shoulder. A few seconds later, Suze wraps her arms around her two daughters and joins the hug.

They break apart only when Cassie’s phone dings with a message from Maddy that she’s ready for them to pick her up for the formal.

“Girls, you both look so beautiful,” Suze says as they prepare to walk out the door. “Have fun tonight.”

“Thanks, Mom, we will,” they chorus, and then they’re off.

* * *

Maddy brought something to drink with her. She says it’s Gatorade and Everclear, whatever that is. Lexi has no idea, but she hopes it’s strong alcohol. She’s decided that tonight, she’s going to indulge herself. She’s going to let herself go a little, because honestly, she needs it. She needs to not think about anything for a while and just enjoy the night, and for the first time, she wants to be drunk while she does it.

So when Cassie turns her nose up at the bottle and Maddy offers it to Lexi instead, she accepts it. She stares at the orange liquid for a second and then – before she can think too much about it – says, “Fuck it” and swiftly downs a huge gulp.

And oh, _oh dear_ _God_, that was a mistake. She might as well have just poured burning dirt down her throat. And that’s not to even mention the taste. It looks like Maddy picked orange Gatorade to mix the Everclear with, and Lexi must have forgot how much she hates orange Gatorade because _holy shit_ if that isn’t the most fucking disgusting thing she’s ever tasted. Though, to be fair, it could just be because it’s warm Gatorade and there’s a lot of alcohol in it and Lexi’s body just isn’t used to alcohol at all, in any way. 

She presses her hand against her mouth, trying not to gag or worse. Eventually, she succeeds in surviving her swallow with just a few hacking coughs.

“Fuck it uuuup, girl,” Maddy sings. 

Cassie looks over at Lexi from the driver’s seat and raises an eyebrow. The corner of lip quirks upward, but she says nothing. Lexi ignores her and instead takes another (much smaller) sip of poison.

She and Maddy pass the bottle back and forth during the ride, though Maddy’s sips are much smaller than Lexi’s. After a bit, she starts to make a little game out of it. Every time they have to stop at a red light, _drink_. Every time someone cuts them off or blows through a yellow light near them, _drink_. Every time Maddy says “bitch,” _drink_.

This shit must indeed be strong, because it’s barely been ten minutes before she feels her thoughts starting to get muddled. Her worries about Rue and Jules and everything else start to just slip away, and she feels floaty.

By the time they pull up at East Highland, Lexi’s already past _buzzed _and well on her way towards _tipsy_. She stumbles a bit as she gets out of the car, and she giggles a bit to herself as it occurs to her to be grateful that Cassie picked out platform shoes for her and not a pair of heels.

The three girls walk into the gym together arm-in-arm. The place is decorated with dozens of stars of all sizes; dark purple curtains line the walls. The circular tables are covered with ocean blue tablecloths and each one features a glowing white crystal ball as its centerpiece. A large moon hangs from one corner. The lights are dim, a pink and blue and purple fluorescent glow permeating the gym. The music is loud but actually bearable, for now anyway, even if Lexi can feel the bass vibrating through the floorboards.

The girls pick an unoccupied table and claim it as their own. Before long, Rue and Jules walk in together and join them, followed after by Kat.

As always, Lexi’s focus can’t help but be drawn straight to Rue. She’s like a black hole and Lexi is caught in her orbit, spiraling down and down into the unknown. The absurdity of that thought makes her giggle again.

She’s wearing what looks like a reddish-purple corset-and-skirt combo underneath a dark burgundy blazer. She has on a pair of suit pants of the same color and, of course, her converse. It’s an odd combination, but as usual, she makes it work. Her face is dusted with glitter and small silver stars, like Lexi. It seems that Cassie wasn’t the only one inspired by the “Starry Night” theme.

It blows her mind that it doesn’t matter how hard Rue tries or doesn’t try, she never looks anything less than perfect to Lexi.

She definitely stares at Rue a little longer than is appropriate while they’re all greeting each other, and she has to consciously order her sluggish mind to look away. She takes another sip of the Gatorade mix to combat the awkwardness.

A conversation starts up among the group of friends at the table. Lexi can only half-follow it – the words are jumbling all together in her head when she tries to listen. She thinks she hears Cassie say something about their mom talking about peaking in high school, and Kat asserting that she definitely hasn’t peaked.

“I feel like I’m not even a person yet,” Lexi mumbles in response. For a second, she doesn’t even realize she’s spoken out loud until everyone turns to look at her. She sinks down a little in her chair and takes another sip.

“Yeah, I’m definitely at, like, 25% peak-ness,” Cassie says, jokingly agreeing. She’s probably right. Her sister just needed some time to get her priorities together, but Lexi can tell that she absolutely has a bright future ahead of her. Although really, as awful as high school is, things can only go up from here, right?

The night passes in a blur as, one by one, the girls begin to drift apart. Jules is the first to get up, followed – unsurprisingly – by Rue. Lexi really doesn’t want to think about the significance of that, so for once, she doesn’t.

Man, alcohol is really great.

Maddy is next, leaving the table and sidling up to Nate on the dance floor, and Lexi wants to roll her eyes at the ridiculousness of it all. Then Cassie’s talking about how she doesn’t want to fall in love again for at least a few years, and Lexi thinks, _I really wish it were as simple as telling yourself, ‘No.’_

Last to go is Kat. Lexi watches her stand and stride with purpose towards a short guy with curly brown hair, eyes following as she drags him upstairs. They’re standing very close to each other, staring into each other’s eyes and talking, though Lexi is too far away to hear what they’re saying.

She decides to yell something encouraging to her friend. “Go, kiss him, Kat!” she shouts. Or at least, that’s what goes through her brain, what she tries to say. She’s honestly not sure what actually comes out of her mouth. Whatever it is, it seems to do the trick, because Kat and the mystery guy start kissing.

The two sisters are left alone at the table, watching the spectacle. Cassie laughs and shakes her head at Lexi’s drunkenness. “What did you say?” she asks incredulously.

Lexi has to wait for her own laughter to stop before she can answer. “I started to say one thing,” she says. Her tongue feels strange, and she has to focus really hard to get the words out coherently. “And then I said something else, but… she knows what I meant,” she finishes confidently. The Howard girls look at each other for a second, before dissolving into laughter again.

As the night wears on, though, the floaty feeling starts to fade into something heavy and uncomfortable. Like her brain has hardened into stone. Rue and Jules reappear together, hand in hand, and take to the dance floor.

She watches them mournfully. She reaches for the Gatorade bottle, only for Cassie to pull it out of her reach and hold it there. Lexi frowns pitifully.

“Don’t give me that look,” Cassie says. “I think you’ve had enough.”

Lexi sighs. She knows Cassie’s right, but she doesn’t want to stop. She just wants the happy floaty feeling back.

Instead, she’s stuck with her eyes glued to Rue and Jules as they move against each other on the dance floor. All of her thoughts and feelings come crashing back down on her in a tidal wave of anxiety, and she sinks down with her arm on the table, propping up her head on the one hand.

Why is this her life? Why does she always have to just sit back and watch while other people get what they want? While they get what _she_ wants? She has an image of Rue curled up alongside her in bed, and she can’t shake it from her head.

Even as Rue and Jules leave the gym together.

Lexi looks at her sister. She doesn’t want to think about how miserable she must look. “Cassie, can I ask you something?” she says, forcing the words out slowly to make up for her sloppiness.

“Yeah, of course,” says Cassie.

“How do you decide who you wanna hook up with?”

Cassie considers the question, and shrugs. “I don’t know, they usually just come to you.”

“Yeah but what if they don’t?”

“Then go and do whoever the fuck you want.”

Lexi thinks about that. Originally, she brought up this topic because she was wondering if a random hook-up was what she needed to get her mind off of Rue. But as Cassie’s advice – _go and do whoever the fuck you want_ – bounces around her semi-functioning brain, she knows there’s only one person she really _wants_ to hook up with.

If she were sober, she’d say there’s no chance. But the alcohol in her system says, _really, what’s the worst that can happen?_ _She might reject you, and then that’s that_. If there’s any chance she might say yes, though, whether she feels the same way or not… well, that might just be worth the risk. Besides, when has Lexi ever taken a risk in her life? Really, when it mattered?

So she tells Cassie, “Yeah. Okay. I’mma do that.”

Cassia laughs. “I love you, Lex.”

“Love you, too.”

Lexi gets up slowly, wobbling a bit. Then she takes one last look around at the gym, and heads out into the parking lot.

She has enough awareness left to realize that Rue and Jules probably biked to the school, because they bike everywhere, so she goes to the rack first. She scans it several times as best she can, but it doesn’t look like either of their bikes is in the rack. Which means they went home, probably together.

She almost gives up. She really, really wants to. She has no bike, no car to drive even if she were in a state to be driving one. But she also really, really wants to just get all this shit off her chest and confess everything to Rue. And maybe even sleep with her, best-case scenario. Lexi lives her life in the safe lane and never does anything out of her comfort zone, but this… this, she has to do. Win or lose, it might be the step she needs to finally move on from Rue for good, one way or another.

So she huffs to herself and starts walking.

It’s slow going. She’s still drunk and extremely unsteady, so she has to step carefully to be sure she doesn’t fall. She still does, though. Twice. It’s after the second time that she realizes she may not have thought this through. It’s God knows how late, the streets are pitch dark outside the streetlamps, she kind of doesn’t really know where she is, it’s really fucking cold, and she’s still drunk.

Yes, this was probably a really stupid idea, but she’s committed now. She picks herself up and keeps walking.

By some miracle, she makes it to her destination in one piece and with only minimal bruising. She walks up to the front door, and her finger is an inch from the button before she realizes she can’t ring the doorbell because Gia and Mrs. Bennett are probably asleep. She slaps herself on the cheek a few times, trying to get her brain to work better.

Lexi hoists herself up over the fence, catches her foot on the way down, and faceplants into the frosted grass. She groans. She rolls over, slaps herself on the cheek again, and slowly gets back to her feet.

Luckily, her body remembers which window is Rue’s even if her brain doesn’t, and leads her right up to it. She climbs part of the way up to it, reaches, and raps on the glass. Three taps, pause, two taps, pause, one tap – the code she and Rue made up as kids. She doesn’t even think about it; again, her body just moves on instinct.

Nothing happens.

She waits a few more minutes.

Still no response.

An uncomfortable sensation starts to take root in the pit of her stomach. She hauls herself up to the edge of the window and tries to peer in, but her eyes are bleary from the alcohol and it’s too dark to see anything inside. She watches for a bit anyway, trying to catch a glimpse of any movement, but there’s nothing.

The room is empty… which means Rue is at Jules’ house.

Lexi releases the window sill and lets herself slide down the wall. She went to all of this trouble, broke all of her own rules to make herself do this, and for what? Absolutely fucking nothing. Rue isn’t here, so Lexi doesn’t even have any chance to go through with her plan.

But isn’t that how things always go where Rue is concerned? Isn’t that just how things work between them? With Lexi putting herself through the ringer to be there for Rue, while her efforts inevitably amount to nothing? Lexi is always willing to give almost everything to Rue, but she can only give it when the other girl is willing to take it, which is not very often. She might indulge Lexi for a time, but in the end, she always leaves her feeling hollow and miserable.

The tipsiness is finally beginning to fade a little, and all of a sudden Lexi’s body starts to remember how far she just walked from the school to get here. Her legs feel heavy, and she’s actually so exhausted the tears just won’t come.

She’s not sure how long she sits there in the grass, leaning up against the outside wall of Rue’s room. But eventually, she knows she needs to go home. Thankfully, her house is just down the street, not too far to walk, even for her weary body. She’s glad; she didn’t want to have to call Cassie to pick her up and have to explain what she did.

After a lengthy struggle, she manages to lift herself back to her feet. She stumbles to the fence, being more careful this time as she crosses it so that she doesn’t fall again. Then she’s in the Bennett’s front yard, and with one last forlorn look at her best-friend-and-love-of-her-life’s house, she sets off down the street towards her own house.

Less than a minute later, she spots a figure at the other end of the street. She freezes and tenses up. It’s too dark to make out much detail, but the figure is tall, and coming straight towards her, though somehow they don’t seem to have noticed her yet.

Just when Lexi’s still-sluggish brain is telling her she should probably get out of sight, the figure crosses under a streetlight and she has to stifle a gasp. She can make out the long, curly brown hair, the dark pants and blazer, and the shine of glittery purple makeup.

It’s Rue. Her eyes are cast towards the ground – probably why she hasn’t noticed Lexi yet – her shoulders are hunched, and her arms are wrapped around her own body. Lexi can hear her sobbing from here.

Lexi waits for her to get a little closer, then calls out, “Rue-Rue?”

Rue’s head jerks upwards. She catches sight of Lexi and stops for a moment in shock. Then she starts sprinting straight to her.

She throws herself into Lexi’s arms, and Lexi barely catches her. She can feel Rue’s whole body shaking in the embrace, quiet sobs and sniffs filling her ears. Lexi doesn’t say anything, just holds Rue tighter and rubs her hand up and down her back.

As much as she hates to, Lexi makes herself pull away after a minute or two. She keeps hold of Rue’s upper arms, gently stroking up and down. “Oh, Rue,” she murmurs. “What happened?”

“S-she’s gone,” Rue says miserably. “She left, she’s g-gone.”

“What? Who’s gone, Rue?” Lexi asks, though she’s pretty sure she knows the answer.

“J-Jules. She j-just… she just got on the train and left and she wanted me to go with her and I wanted to but I just – I c-couldn’t because I’m weak and I’m just –“

“Shhh, Rue-Rue, it’s okay,” Lexi says, interrupting her rambling before she can spiral too far. “You’re not weak, Rue. You said ‘no,’ and that makes you strong. You’re so strong.”

“I can’t – I don’t want to be strong, Lex,” Rue moans. “It’s so hard.”

Lexi embraces her again. “I know, Bennett, I know,” she whispers.

There’s silence. Rue is able to compose herself slightly, and the sobs quiet to just the occasional miserable sniff. Then she says, “I think I know what Ali meant now.”

“Who?”

“A… friend from NA. He tried to make me see about J-Jules, what our relationship was like, but I didn’t believe him. I didn’t understand what he was trying to tell me. I think I’m starting get it now.”

“I’m so sorry, Rue. Do you want me to walk home with you?”

“No!” Rue exclaims hurriedly, her voice filled with panic. “I-I mean, yes, but not… I can’t – I can’t go back home. I have… I…” Her eyes start to well up again. “Please don’t hate me, Lex…”

“Hey slow down, it’s okay. What are you talking about?”

“I can’t go back home because… because I never got rid of all of my stash when I was supposed to and it’s in my room and I know if I go back there I won’t be able to stop myself from using it and I’m so scared of myself, I’m terrified that everything from the last few months will be for nothing so please please can I stay with you tonight, Lex?” The last part comes out in a rush, so quickly that Lexi can barely follow the words.

Once they sink in, though, her heart swells with pride for Rue. She may not realize it right now, but this is a huge step, and Lexi is overjoyed that she’s making it herself.

“Of course you can,” she says. “Always.”

Rue links their arms together as they start walking. While this is not in any way how Lexi thought this night was going to turn out, it’s still a pretty good outcome. Her heart breaks with Rue’s pain, and she wants to hate Jules, she really does, but she always knew something like this was going to happen. It’s just Jules’ nature – free-spirited and recklessly adventurous – and she can’t hate the other girl for that. It was just never meant to last.

She glances over at Rue and thinks about her original plan for the night. She has the chance, now, to lay it all out on the line and tell her everything. She wants to do it, so badly, but she doesn’t think it’s the right time, not while Rue is this upset. She has to keep waiting, at least until she’s helped Rue calm down and try to deal with what happened.

They arrive at the Howard household, and Rue still hasn’t said another word. Lexi uses the hidden spare key to unlock the door and leads Rue inside and up to her room. They’re careful not to wake her mom, who is, as usual, passed out on the sofa, an empty wine glass on the end table beside her.

Lexi lets out a small relieved sigh when she sees that Cassie isn’t back yet. She drags Rue over to the bathroom.

“What are – what are you doing?” Rue asks.

Lexi rolls her eyes. “Well, unless you want to go sleep with all that makeup still on, Bennett…”

“Oh. Right.”

Lexi directs Rue to sit down on the closed toilet lid and fishes out a makeup wipe from the drawer. Very carefully, she crouches down on one knee between her legs and cleans Rue’s face, removing the liner and glitter from her eyelids and picking off the silver stars. Then she runs it gently over Rue’s cheeks, washing off the tear stains and the rest of her light makeup.

She can feel Rue’s eyes on her the whole time, but she focuses on her task and doesn’t look at her to avoid dwelling on it.

When she’s done, she smiles hesitantly and stands, tossing the wipe in the trash. She pulls another one for herself and heads over to the mirror to start removing her own.

But when she lifts the wipe to her cheek, Rue’s hand covers hers. “Let me,” she says quietly.

Wide-eyed, Lexi nods slowly and allows Rue to position her on the toilet lid. As Rue unmakes Cassie’s diligent work, Lexi can’t keep her eyes off her. Even without any makeup and having just cried up a storm, she thinks Rue Bennett is the most beautiful creature there is. Her eyes flick up to meet Lexi’s briefly, then return to her task.

“Why do you always look at me like that?”

The question startles Lexi. She flounders for an answer. “L-like what?”

“Like I just brought home your lost puppy.”

“I…” She doesn’t know what to say. Rue finishes cleaning her face and Lexi just sits there helplessly, her stomach churning. She thinks telling the truth is out of the question, but then a small voice in the back of her head says, _This is what you wanted, isn’t it? You have the opportunity, so what are you going to choose?_

For once, she doesn’t take the safe option.

“I think I’m in love with you,” she blurts out.

As Rue drops the makeup wipe into the trash, she freezes. She turns agonizingly slowly, staring at Lexi with disbelief. “I… you… _what?_”

Lexi takes a deep breath. “I – I think I’m in love with you,” she says slower, and slightly more confidently. “I definitely have a crush on you. I have for a while, at – at least since we kissed freshman year. Maybe longer.”

Rue seems at a loss for words. “I… but… I thought you said it was weird and uncomfortable!”

“Yeah, it was, because you’re my best friend but I enjoyed kissing you!”

“You mean, all this time… you… Lexi, I…”

Lexi looks away. “I know, it’s stupid. I shouldn’t have told you, but I just needed – “

She’s interrupted as Rue crashes her lips to hers. Her eyes widen in shock, then close as she sinks into the kiss. Rue’s lips are as soft as she remembered – softer, even – and she can’t stop herself from reaching up and cupping the back of her neck. She feels Rue’s hand come to rest on her cheek as the kiss deepens.

Suddenly, Lex’s brain catches up to her body and it screams at her, _Stop! Stop! You’re making a mistake!_ As much as she doesn’t want to, she knows it’s right. There are just too many other factors right now. 

Curse her level-headedness.

She breaks away from the kiss with a gasp. “No, I – you… we can’t,” she stutters, having to struggle to form a coherent thought after what just took place.

Rue frowns, the hurt clear in her eyes. “Did I do something wrong?”

Lexi puts her head in her hands and groans. “Yes – no – I mean, kind of! I don’t know!” She sighs. “Look, it was great, okay, but… Rue, you were just… I can’t do that with you, not now.”

“Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. I understand.” She starts to walk past Lexi to leave the bathroom.

Lexi grabs her hand and pulls her back. “No, wait. I don’t think you do. I didn’t mean it like that.” She sighs again. “Rue… I really want to be with you, okay? I just meant… not yet. We’re both stupid emotional right now, and I’m still a little drunk. And I mean, everything with Jules… I can’t be a rebound, you know?”

Rue softens. “Of course not,” she agrees. “Never.”

“And come on, let’s be honest,” Lexi says, cracking a sardonic smile. “We both know you should work on yourself for a bit before you get involved with anyone else, yeah?”

Rue looks at the ground. “Yeah. Yeah, no, you’re right. As usual.”

“Hey.” Lexi tips Rue’s chin up to meet the other girl’s eyes. “I’ll help you, okay? I’ll always be here to help you. But you have to do this on your own. You’ve already made it so far, all you have to do is keep going.”

“I know.” Rue sniffs. “I don’t deserve you, Lex.”

“Maybe not,” Lexi concedes. “But you’ve got me either way.”

“I’ll just drag you down,” she insists.

“Or maybe I’ll help you pull yourself up.”

Rue can’t stop the resigned smile that pulls at her lips. “You’re really serious about this?”

“Dead serious.”

“You might be waiting a while.”

Lexi leans forward and places a light kiss on Rue’s left cheek, then her right, then her forehead and her chin. “I’ll wait for as long as it takes you,” she promises. Rue dips her head and smiles bashfully.

Lexi falls asleep that night with Rue-Rue in her arms and a smile on her face.

* * *

**FIN**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is the end. However, I will definitely write more for these two at some point in the future, probably around when the show returns for Season 2, but I don't know. I wanted to tie things off in a satisfying conclusion that didn't leave you guys hanging, but also gave me room to follow it up later on. I hope I succeeded.  
Please leave your comments, I love reading both positive feedback and constructive criticism :)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a Tumblr or Twitter but I do have a ton of thoughts about the finale and the series in general, so hmu on Reddit u/DontDrinkAndBike if you wanna talk about it.


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